9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

Jess and I are about to go on Tour. Tour? Like trailing the Bare Naked Ladies or hanging out with Death Cab for Cutie, or rocking hard with Green Day?

Sadly, none of the above. Sex, Drugs and Rock Roll are not part of the Upward Bound vocabulary.

Yeah that’s right, Upward Bound. Sounds like a hippie new age feel good huggie group that all wear sweater sets and bright white slacks. All running around the country on a bus full of singing and clapping and big pearly white smiles… and hugs. Tons of hugs. What is that movie? The one with the psycho brady bunch wannabe’s on the bus… and Fabio is their leader? Ummmm. Dude Where’s my Car?, maybe? Noooo. Bubble Boy! Ah, yes. Thank you IMDB.

Again, sadly, the hippie thing is not too far away from the truth. But the smiles are mostly absent. And thankfully so are the hugs.

Follow the jump!

My wife is the director of the UB choir group at our church. It is a coed group primarily consisting of teenagers between the ages of 14 to 18 years old. Every year UB tours a different part of the country (sometimes Canada) and sings contemporary christian music to other congregations, youth detention facilities, homeless shelters, and the like. And I will tell you what… getting them to smile during a concert requires a copious amount of green jello, a big rubber tub, three rubber bands, and one very angry chipmunk. You know… nearly impossible. Green Jello can be so hard to find.

So this year, we are touring the country of Texas. We figured since we did the Canada thing last year (very fun), we would visit the Unites States’ nieghbor to the south, Texas. I am by no means a republican or a democrat (I think I am sane – a requirement most party members lack), but the entire state of Texas seems to be made of very militant red state minded hicks. I mean that in the most loving way of course.

Personally, I think that Texas (the entire state) should be turned into a huge wildlife refuge to protect and maintain the Texas way of life. “Don’t mess with Texas” could be their official state motto (as it is only their rally cry now), and the flag could be altered to include a pair of crisscrossed Colt .45′s. Very nice.

For the most part, many Texans are very nice people. For the most part. Then again you have some of those people that just make the stereotype fit. Almost like chicken and the egg. Did the stereotype exist first? Or did the people? I for one think they like the stereotype… it gives them license to act that way. I hope that we don’t encounter any on this trip. I am really hoping for the those that hate the stereotype and like to live their lives in a different fashion.
Amarillo is our first stop on June 10th. I am kind of excited… kind of not. Tour is a lot of work. And spending 16 days on a bus really makes you either love the kids your with or throttle them in their sleep. No kids have died yet… so either I have more patience than I thought, or we just have good kids.

I can’t tell anymore. I think they are good. Then again I hit their myspace pages…

And I remember what it was like to be a teenager myself. But I will save the self-incrimination for another time.

Tomorrow is kidnap day. Freshman get kidnapped and initiated (in a loving way of course… no ropes or shaving cream. That comes later on Tour =). Have to be up and ready to drive an unmarked white van at 7 am on a Saturday. If that doesn’t suck goat tail, I don’t know what does. It better be fun… or ropes and shaving cream will have to be involved to make it fun.

I might take a roll of mentos and a 2 liter of pepsi and make a kid hold it. That is always a hoot. I dunno.

Listening: Death Cab for Cutie, Transatlanticism