9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

I have spent my lifetime justifying cursing. Seriously. People are always arguing how it is unchristian like and that by cursing you are just warming up your seat on the short bus to h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Sure, Jesus wasn’t walking around asking people how their mothers were using the f-word, but then again, he probably never heard a nice and proper cursing streak. Being the son of God and King of the Jews will prevent that from happening most of the time. Personally, my personal savior seems much cooler when he was running around the temple tossing tables about while calling merchants filthy pigs.

And I don’t disagree, it is unchristian-like to curse. But I argue that it is not improper, sinful or anything else that so many people make it out to be. It is just another part of human speech, language and communication. In my opinion, it is totally ok and will not reserve you a seat on the short bus. After all, your seat was reserved when you born, right?

In my opinion there are only two reasons not to curse.

1. You are in mixed company and cursing generally is taken as a sign of lower intelligence and poor social aptitude.
2. You are asleep.

That about covers it. As long as you are not in mixed company, or you do not care what the mixed company thinks, then curse away. (You should care to a certian extent.) There are only a few small rules that should dictate your cursing.

1. Do not take the Lord’s name in vain. Even if you don’t believe in God, it might be a good idea to follow. Why? Well… just in case, you know? Or you could always aim your cursing at a minor diety, like one of the Grecian gods. “Ahhhh, for Gaea’s sake!” or “Zeus dammit!” or even better, “By the Balls of Zeus!” (He was one horny mofo, if you catch my drift. Iron clad nuts and all that.) If you have ever read American Gods by Neil Gaiman, then you know where I am coming from on this one… be careful what names you are using. I wouldn’t curse Allah around Moslems, so you shouldn’t curse Christ around Christians. Just a thought.
2. Respect. Just because you curse doesn’t mean you should be a dick about it too. Talking bad about someone behind their back or making fun of someone unfairly is just as bad when you are not cursing, much less when you are. So just make fun of stereotypes. That is how 90% of comedians on this earth stay in business. Making fun of every stereotype as much as they can.
3. Overusage. Using the f word every other word is only funny once in a while. Using the f-bomb as every adjective, adverb, pronoun, verb and sometimes noun is just not funny all the time. I heard a guy at a High School Marching Band thing last night use very colorful words for no apparent reason beyond the fact that he was clumsy and tripped over his own damn feet. He looked like a tard. Especially with all the little kids around him. Again, respect. Didn’t he notice all those little eyes looking at him like he was a very bad man? What a tard.

Speaking of overusage here is the funniest one that I have ever heard:

Kyle: Shut up, fatboy!
Cartman: Don’t call me fat, you fucking jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he’s talking about “fuck”. You can’t say “fuck” in school, you fucking fat-ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said “fuck” again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: [total shock] What did you say?
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was… [picks up a megaphone] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, Mr. Garrison?
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Holy shit is right. Rock on boys. Rock on.

I want to be Timelord. Yeah… who doesn’t want to be Doctor Who?

I would spend weeks moving in into my Tardis. After all, the TARDIS is freaking huge. What did you think I was going to say for the first item? You have to live somewhere while off gallivanting across the cosmos. Since you have so much space, just think about all the stuff you could shove in there. Entire taxidermied wooly mammoths, ten thousand different types of Jello, and entire colony of leprechauns. Why would you keep stuff like that? Cause you can! Duh.

I would revisit some of the big unknown events of history. Like Atlantis. Or how the dinosaurs died. There is a lot of unexplained phenomena, science, and unknown history in this world. Honestly, there is just soooo much history to get lost in. With my new body, and twelve regenerations, I would spend thousands of years just poking about. With a TARDIS, I would be able to communicate, blend in, immerse myself in the depths of humanity and such.

So many questions though… By becoming a Time Lord would I make the science fiction real? Hmmmm. If I did, somehow, make reality imitate art, would that mean I would have to pay royalty and licensing fees to the BBC? Would that mean I would have to give myself the TARDIS at the end of my own life? Hmmmmmm, predestination pardox!

Fantastic!

Let’s brainstorm, shall we?

What is the worst possible thing to watch on TV?

Fear Factor, when the contestants are eating live bugs?

Violent movies with blood and guts and rape and other sick things?

Porn? Ooooooh, Porn!

Local news?

It is none of these. None of them.

It is those damn Bowflex commercials!

Or should I say Blowflex.

“In six weeks you can have the body you have always dreamed of… for only 29 dollars a month, you too can have a bowflex body.” Egad, someone please slap me with a raw tuna and call me a bitch. 29 dollars a month for a 1400 dollar machine equates to, let’s see here, carry the two, PAYING FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL BORN LIFE. And not only do the models used in that commercial never use a blowflex, they probably never touched a blowflex until the actual shoot. They all lifted wieghts, and did their cardio, and they have been doing it since High School. They don’t binge on McDonalds or eat ice cream for breakfast. It is their JOB to look like that. They spend their days working their asses off making sure that they have a shot at the next job.

I’ll tell you what… Blowflex sucks. Seriously. There is only one thing that will keep you fit and healthy, and it is eating right and being smart about your exercise. Nothing will make you feel like a sloth of a human being quicker than a blowflex commercial. And look on the realistic side of things… you will buy it, use it twice, and then relgate it to an oversize clothes rack and storage shelf. A 1400 dollar clothes rack.

Give me 700 dollars and I will build you a custom clothes rack actually made for clothes! Deal of a lifetime! Almost free!

Dear God,

How you doing? Chillin in heaven? Do you guys have good A/C up there? I should think so. I have always thought that hell is just a another piece of heaven, except the A/C went out long ago and its been going downhill since.

I decided to just give you a list of things that I know I will never have… it might make it easier for me to move on. Ya know? Not that I obsess or anything, but sometimes wishes should only be wishes. Makes so much more sense than to dwell on improbability.

• A ripped superhealthy body.
• Enough money to be independant of the system and free from desire.
• A career that I am unique in.
• A future that I am not scared of.
• Freedom from my own human weaknesses.
• Spiritual and mental gifts I will never develop.
• Freedom from the muddled thoughts that cloud my mind.
• A life without complexity, pain or suffering.

Now that I have pretty much made a list that any human would be envious of, if not recoginize that it is in fact their own, I would like to be free of them completely. Please pick them up for the spiritual waste dump when you get a chance.

Do you guys have trashmen up there? Someone has to sweep up the streets of gold, right?

Thanks a bunch! Give my love to the J-man and I’ll talk to (and maybe see) y’all soon!

Later Pops.

I am hammering through books as of late. I go in spurts. Sometimes I will read a book leisurely, taking a month to finish. Other times, I will read a book a day.

I am in one of the book-a-day spurts. So here are some quick reviews of my recent reading:

Titan by John Varley

First book of a three book cycle called the Gaea Series. Heavy scifi reminiscent of the Rama series and the Ringworld series by Clarke and Niven respectively. I really enjoyed it. A crew on a mission to explore the moons of Saturn find an artificial object in orbit around the gas giant instead. The torus shaped (a doughnut) space station sucks them in, destroys their ship and the crew finds themselves lost in an artificial world full of fantastic (and complex) creatures. Varley really focuses on relationships between the characters and God… study of creation and existence. Giving a nice first contact twist to a moderately enjoyable discovery and adventure tale. I would recommend it. I have the next book in my queue to read and am looking forward to it.

Magic Street by Orson Scott Card

I love the Card. He is a very talented writer with an imagination that eerily seems close to my own. I am not exaggerating either. Here I am playing around with story ideas of a hidden house on the sliver of reality that only a young boy can see, and wouldn’t you know it, Orson Scott Card’s Magic Street is about just that. Well I guess there is nothing new under the sun. While not as pleasurable as Ender’s Game (what is?), this book is more in the vein of his work Enchantment. An urban fairy tale full of monsters, relationships and a study in the nature of wishes and contentment. A very good read, highly recommended.

The Nymphos of Rocky Flats by Mario Acevedo

Now this book was fun. Full of humor and wit and a fresh take on the world of Vampires. I picked it up because it was written by a local author here in Denver and it just caught my eye. Granted the title would catch anybody’s eye. The book centers on a vampiric ex-soldier back from the second Gulf War, working as a private detective on a case of a severe break out of female sexual nervosa (nymphomania) at the decommissioned Rocky Flats. Witches, Vampires, Aliens, UFOs, Area 51, Vampire Hunters, Secret Societies, the whole gambit of sci-fi and weird permeates this book. And it makes for a fun time. Highly recommended.

Idlewild by Nick Sagan

Sagan? As in Carl Sagan? He has a son? And he can write? Yep and yep. He can write well and his first book, Idlewild, is definitely a book for the internet generation. I am sure many people will compare it to the Matrix, 13^th Floor, Existenz movies and the like, but I think this book is a step beyond any of those “mind in the machine” stories. It is a story of breaking free of constraints and enemies only to find that the real enemy was closer than you ever thought. And the world it is set in is brutal, full of sacrifice, and ultimately survival. A great read. So good in fact that somehow I ended up with two copies. Yep I am an idiot. I read this book about a year ago, spaced the title and bought it again. Oops. But it was just as enjoyable the second time around. I would encourage you all to read the first pages of any book before you buy it. =) Highly recommended!