9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

Note to world: I truly love a cold pop.

Not just cold. But fingers-stick-to-the-can-cold.

Cold like the arctic. At midnight. In the middle of an ice age. Next to a tub of liquid nitrogen.

Diet Coke is sooooo delicious when it is soooooo cold just touching it to lips causes it to freeze up.

Mmmmmmm… Cokeslush. Sounds like a very dangerous drug.

You heard it here first, folks. As Stephen Cobert would say, that is today’s Word.

The new sensation in the illicit drug circles of America: Cokeslush.

Fond rememberances of youth can now start with:

“And this one time, I was sooooo wasted on Cokeslush…”

I like to think of myself as a Christian. I am not one of those weird fanatical christians that you see in the news, waving around a remington, screaming about how we are all holy warriors and shit. Those freaks are in the news cause they are freaks, not because they are christians. A good example of unintentional freaks is that family that has been on TLC lately. Seventeen kids. Seventeen! And all the girls are always in dresses and the boys are always in slacks. If that doesn’t scream fundamentalist baptist, I don’t know what does. The dad is a senator, and the mom is a clown car.

Seriously. Seventeen kids. I know God says be fruitful, but I don’t think he meant make a whole damn fruit tree.

My favorite christians are the homeschooled ones. They tend to either be the nicest or the ones that reaaaaaaallllly know how to party. As a new father, I know that it is probably in my future child’s best interest to not homeschool, just so they actually make it to college before they get wasted.

As it should be.

Getting blitzed is for your freshman year at college. Not on weekends your freshman year of high school.

As I said, I like to think of myself as a Christian. Admittedly, I am a poor one at that. But I know that I have a religion sized hole in my being, and my personal relationship with Christ fills it nicely, thank you very much. And that is my business.

And because I believe it is my business, I have a problem. My faith dictates that we should all go out into the world and share the word of God. I.e. convert the masses. Help people “find Jesus.” As Forrest Gump would say, “I didn’t know he was lost.”

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and personal faith. To fulfill the edict of converting the masses would kind of go against that. Religion is much like politics… unless you enjoy looking like an asshole, it is better to keep your opinions to yourself. Because arguing with someone will rarely, if ever, change their belief structure. A person that argues is not a person that will believe. So you have to find that rare one that is ready to hear something. As a pastor would say, their heart has been prepared for your message. What if you believe that every person is on their own path with their own choices to make? I don’t think preaching to the masses will improve the world any. If it did, then we would already be living in a perfect world.

Giving a message is such a fine line to walk. Give too much and people will make a judgement and walk away, give too little and you miss that one person in the crowd desperately looking for something to help their lives.

I thought being in IT was a thankless job. I’ll tell you what, it is nothing compared to a what a youth group leader has to go through. Giving a message that no one wants to hear must be hard. Even the parents that call themselves christians give you shit. Like being a christian is some special club or something stupid like that and they have a right to tell you how to do something they have no clue on doing. That is how they act. Like they have some member’s card that makes them better than everyone else. If they were so good, wouldn’t they be standing up volunteering to help? Nope. Instead they sit there and complain. Sunday I attended a high school parent meeting and I was shocked at some of the parents questions and mind numbing behavior.

Hello people. Big picture. Church is for focusing on the big picture. Not for nitpicking on a program that may do something for your kids and the ones in their lives that are looking for something more than getting blitzed on the weekend.

Spanktards.

How unchristianlike of me. I’m sorry.

I meant to say hypocritical spanktards.

I have known quite a few decent Qwest techs. Heck some my friends are Qwest techs. But there must be a shit poor measure for what kind of person works for Qwest because here at work, our land lines are down.

And it is because a freaking Qwest tech was here yesterday working on another tenet’s wiring.

All of the phone lines (phones come in on a single circuit, called a T-1) and Data lines (also T-1s) come into the building in the same room down in the basement. The fiber is terminated on a small device called a smartjack, and from there copper wiring (just like normal phone wiring) is ran to a punch block that connects the respective T-1s with the appropriate floor in our tower.

But it is a spaghetti mess of copper wire. Wire is in fact holding wire in place, over looms of wire, in the most self recursive mind boondoogle of wiring you can imagine. It is like C3PO’s line about robots making robots. Madness I tell you, madness. I should go take some pictures.

You know what? I am going to. This would be funny.

But back to the story. So whenever a qwest technician performs work in our tower, one of our data or voice lines goes down. In fact it has happened so often that our default troubleshooting technique is this:

1. Phone/Internet/Interoffice connectivity is down.
2. Check logs to see what time loss occurred.
3. Go down to security desk on first floor and ask if any phone techs signed in today.
4. See what time they signed in and out
5. Place ticket with T-1 provider and mention that a spanktard from qwest was in the bldg.

Stupid ass monkey humping frakheads. So we have no outbound/inbound local calls right now. Because some spanktard came in yesterday and decided to yank on a few wires for the floor above us.

Yep no local calls. Long distance only.

So here’s to you, Qwest. Go flush your collective heads.

—————–UPDATE———————