A spark of memory
It is funny how long-term memory works. You stumble across a smell or a visual and all of sudden you are deeply immersed in a memory from a decade ago. A memory that you had written off as a standard part of your being, and all of sudden it becomes an extremely vivid account that suprises and shocks your conscious mind. Like a prisoner of war on a electroshock rack, your mind kind of leaps back and forth between what you remember, and what you think you remember. After all, our long term memory is as pliable as melted marshmellow. Ewwww… Sticky.
Last night, I was remembering my first kiss and just how big of a dickhead I was in High School.
My first kiss was awkward, although I am sure there is nothing unique about that. I was at a Forensics/Debate meet, my Junior year of high school, and I was admittely flirting with anything in a skirt. What teenage boy doesn’t flirt? (Well, except the quiet ones silently plotting how best to act out Star Wars with their legos after school.) One of my teammates, Wendy, flirted back to my quick witticisms and general hormonal-driven idiocy and, of course, that just fed my overwhelming ego machine that was in high gear. We had spent the entire day in each other’s company, for the umpteenth meet that year, and it was late that saturday night. In fact, we were all wrapped up for the meet, saying our goodbyes and handing out congrats where they were due. Wendy and I were hugging, as we had been off and on all day (as teenage monkeys tend to do… the whole social contact, grooming, group thing that you see on the discovery channel), when I swear I heard my name called off to my right. Well Wendy’s face happened to be at my right cheek. And bam. First kiss. Good thing her eyes were closed, because mine were wide open in a deep state of suprise.
So how does a dickhead handle the situation? Well let’s see. I string her on… then I date other girls at the same time… then I break it off… start it back up… make promises that I did not intend to keep (and I didn’t)… break it off again… and obviously hurt her emotionally again and again. Looking back on it, I am kind of sad that I acted in such a way. I was very self destructive back then. My behaviors were uncalled for, if not outright spiteful and mean. I think I did what I did for many of the hedonistic behaviors that all teenagers have, but then again, I think I did it just to see how awful I could be.
I am glad I am a different person now. Not only for my sake, but for my beautiful wife’s sake as well. And now for our child and the family we are finally starting. I am glad that I learned the lessons that had to be learned.
Thinking back about Wendy, and how I was a great example of being a poor human being, a very unchristian shithead of a human being… I apologize to you, Wendy. I hope that I did not cause any harm beyond the surface level of being a teenager in a shaky beginner coed relationship. I know it was not a serious relationship (as no high school relationship should be), but looking back on it, we didn’t know what a serious relationship should be, so I should have acted better. I should have treated you like the great human being you were (and are I’m sure), and not the excuse to act like a self damaging time bomb, uncaring about who I hurt or how often.
So there you go. Sorry for being a dick… and thank you for the reflection.
