9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

Why do some people just have to be total dicks?

You have many kinds of dicks:

1. The ones that know they are dicks and are just acting as they are meant to.
2. The ones that aren’t dicks, but don’t think about their actions, therefore are dicks.
3. The ones that are dicks, but act like they aren’t dicks, but still come off as dicks.

It is the third kind that drive me nuts (pun). At least with the first two you are dealing with genuine human beings.

Oh snap.

There is this guy at where I work. Total tool. Not only does he drive me nuts, but pretty much everyone else around him too. And we don’t hide it. Whenever he comes to our department he gets looks of disgust and disdain, but does he pay any attention to that? Why, no, he doesn’t. Why? Because he is a dick. A big fat floppy hypocritical donkey dick.

As a “hypodick” (new term, coined here, you heard it first), he feels he has the right to call everyone “Brother” or “Friend”. Not Bro, like some hip slang from the early eighties (oh snap), but like he is your slightly retarded brother that can’t pronounce your name clearly and that is just his way of doing it. Oooooooh no. He calls you Brother or Friend from day one. Even if he knows your name. He must think it is his way of engendering himself to you. His “special” way to lube you up before the real dickery begins.

Because, hold onto your keyboard, this is when the mindfrak starts. He literally tries to grab all your attention by waving his hands about and ranting about how this is such a big problem, and he needed it yesterday, and his pants are on backwards and he can’t figure out why, and he had to poop out the zipper into the urinal, so that must be an IT problem right? Right? Then he asks us, you guys handle the computers and urinals around here, right?

Always an emergency, always backwards, and always just making work where work really isn’t needed. Does he bother to read a procedure manual that our company runs off of? Does he bother to talk to anyone else in his position? Does he consult his boss? Does he talk to anyone within an earshot? Nope. He waddles himself down to the IT problem and insults us with sarcasm and dull wit, and then shits all over us because he can’t figure out why we are saying no.

Well… crotchstain… let me put it to you gentle. 1. We don’t have the money. 2. We don’t have the staff. 3. You are the one making it difficult. 4. You are a floor routine short of a bronze medal.

Then he acts like he is your best friend for coming into your world and shitting on your desk and using your mouse to creatively wipe his butt. What reeeeeeaaaaaalllllly shined me on today was the fact that he felt it necessary to include the General Manager of our office in our little conversation. That is the equivalent of me inviting the President of our United States to sit in on a disagreement between me and brother. Go figure that one out.

The last three times someone thought it would help them to involve higher powers had their asses handed to them by the powers that be. Because IT actually researches problems and tells mgmt what needs to be done to address them. And every single time, they have been wilted like raisin under the biggest muttafraking laser gun you have ever seen. 1.21 Gigawatts! (insert blatant Back to the Future reference here)

I can’t wait for him to shit on my boss’ desk. That is going to be a good day… …Friend.