9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

While looking through the number of applicants for a job at my work, I was continuously amazed at just how vacuous a resume can be. It’s like every resume is a pale hallow imitation of a real resume out there, that dream resume that every technical writing professor lusts after. Ooooooh, yeah, hot resume on resume action is what gets writing profs hot.

But a couple things lunged out for my eyeballs with their little shivs of nasty English abuse:

1. People don’t spell check.
2. People don’t check the spell check.

Seriously. If you bother to use a word processor, use a spell check. I learned this in junior high, so I would expect first graders to be able to understand that concept now. And I am no master of the English language, but even I can fake a proper sentence. Fragments are a standard part of my writing and I enjoy using something that drives writing profs nuts, but on a resume, if your fragments don’t even make sense, you look like a tard.

But the content is the surprising thing. The content is repetitive, cookie cutter, ape-ery (a new word, you heard it here first), mockery of the job posting and the other resumes. The experience section makes them sound like small gods in charge of their own little worlds, making companies billions and saving the world from hunger and bad green pants.

Every resume reads like they are Clark Kent having a hard time of faking the whole alter-ego thing.

My resume, if I ever drudge my butt into another corporate joke, will read something like this:

Name
Address
Phone
Email

Skill Set: I am the most competent person you will interview this year. Don’t even bother reading further. I will knock your socks off. If I don’t know the answers, I will find them, and you will know that I know it, because the job will be done right, on time, under budget and you will be so happy you will vomit. If you are a HR rep, isn’t this resume a breath of fresh air? Please put this resume in the pile that is heading to the hiring manager. On top. Face down.

Experience: See above.

School: Bachelors here, Masters there, Phd in my back pocket. Not ivy league, but who needs the accent?

References: The current job begging me not to leave is available at your request.