9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

As I have aged, I have found that my grasp of the English language has become more and more limited. It has not become limited through some inability to learn, nor has it reduced due to the continual process of age and memory loss. Nay, it is as if my typing hands are often skipping parts of language beyond my the limits of my conscious self. I have a thought, or an idea, some tumultuous free form mindbanger that longs to be free of my limited cranium, and streaks off towards my fingers to be outputted in some form or fashion. But on the way, it looses proper nouns, adverbs, adjectives, and often a bit of punctuation. It is like my body, my subconscious self, has created it’s own perverted form of shorthand.

I shit you not.

Like the word punctuation in the paragraph above… it immediately came out as “punction”. Obviously punction is not what i meant to type, in fact, I know how to spell punctuation, but nonetheless, it came out punction. Intentions be damned.

It happens with parts of speech as well. I will reduce a noun and adjective down to a single word, or drop the subject altogether and end up with a small catastrophe of sentence fragments. I enjoy fragments. I don’t know why.

The feel snappy. Really snappy.

Grammar is always the first casualty in the war of translation of thought to action.

Artists can translate well. Hacks can fake it well. Then there are the rest of us, we plebes that just struggle with proper sentence structure, correct tenses, and the occasional dangling modifier.

And what really cranks my gears? Everyone thinks they are an editor. Even though they can barely write a grocery list.

Ha.

I am reading Harlan Ellison’s Shatterday right now, and English is thrust to the forefront of thought while perusing his pages. Just because he is so damn good at writing. Damn good. Makes some authors look like complete amateurs. His language is engaging, his diction superb, and the structure he uses feels like a caramel across the tongue.

I always thought Shakespeare’s sonnets were like caramel. You can’t bite into it and expect a good thing. You have to take it slowly and let it melt over your consciousness. That is the only way to truly appreciate some writing.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everything I read was like that? Hell, wouldn’t it be nice if everything I wrote was like that?

• Just because an error is reproducible on a system, that does not necessarily mean it is the fault of the system. Users have undeniable talent at unintentionally using a system contrary to the developer’s intent. And somehow that is the developer’s fault.
• 95% of all problems are solved with a reboot. Even if it doesn’t seem to do a damn thing to help.
• Users will mostly fail at rebooting first, then calling for help. They always call first.
• All problems are emergencies, therefore there is no such thing as an emergency.
• Most users cannot understand technology. Not because they are not intelligent, but because they just don’t care. Take that rule and apply it to any personnel supporting said technology. Users don’t care about them either. They just want their problem fixed. The resulting conclusion is that users don’t need to be informed of changes in the environment. As long as it works, they don’t care.
• Regardless of how new, fancy, or expensive a system is, a user will always complain they have a slow machine or that there is something wrong.
• “Glitches” are always explained by PEBKAC.
• Some users think they know what they are talking about when it comes to your job. You can ignore them. Blowhards are just that.
• Users are people, and as such, they deserve respect. But not too much, because then they just walk all over you. And the resulting slapdown is usually more painful for everyone involved.
• Users generally believe any problem can be solved by throwing money into a technology “solution”. They are always wrong.
• Culture always subverts good intentions.
• Certifications are not a worthwhile measure. At all. In fact, unless you work for Government, or a Government contractor, certifications in IT are generally a sign you should avoid the individual altogether.
• Most new hires are a bad fit.
• Isolationism is one symptom of a horrible culture disease in a multiple office company. And the hardest to cure.
• Given two mutually exclusive choices, users will always want both.
• Users will not accept “no” as an answer. But they will accept “I will have to look into that.” Most users never figure out that they mean the same thing.
• Given a quantity of available storage space, users will always want more and/or exhaust what is provided.
• Most users believe the “Rules” are optional and don’t actually apply to them. Corporate Computing Policies are more of guidelines than actual “Rules”.
• Hiring friends is always a mistake.
• Someone will always find fault with your decisions. Regardless of their outcome or circumstances.
• Virtual teams are difficult to manage. Duh.
• Entropy and Order is the best way to describe Data Management. Just as Centralization and Decentralization is the best way to describe a Server Environment. And there is never an outcome, just a continual balancing act.

And that’s the way it is.

My wife wakes up not feeling too well. We had a small pregnancy scare a couple weeks ago, so anything “not normal” tends to make us both freak out a little. She toughed it out like the soldier she is and I think all is well.

But then my daughter wakes up screaming. I would too, if my diaper had exploded all inside my pajamas. Those little crystals that catch the moisture had ruptured out of the top of her diaper, and she was covered in gel crystals. I resorted to dipping her in the tub to get it all off.

A bottle later, and a little cuddling, and she was back in bed, sound as a hound in a pound.

But then I was late for work and my eight o’clock meeting. So I rush in, walk into the meeting at 8:01, no caffeine in my system, and no help in the office. The main support guy is on vacation this week (bastard), and everyone resorts to me in his stead (which is ok I guess, just a bit annoying), so I had a nice queue of work sitting on my desk after my meeting.

Still no coffee.

Fucklesticks.

Go get coffee, call my wife (still good), hear the baby squeal in the background, and get back to my desk to breathe a little.

And what do I do?

Hop on the internet.

Life is grand.

From here:

Life at the Media Lab has reminded me once again that technology is most exciting when it upsets the status quo. Big-screen TVs and downloadable episodes of Late Night with Conan O’Brien are merely more attempts to control the means of distribution, something GE has been doing since the invention of the light bulb. But exploding GPS backpacks represent an alien mind-set; they are part of the growing media insurgency that is redefining news, journalism, and civic life. This technological insurgency shouldn’t surprise us: after all, it’s wrapped up in language itself, which has long defied any attempt to commodify it. Technology, as it has done through the ages, is freeing communication, and this is good news for the news. A little empathy couldn’t hurt.

Good read about how major network television (like other “Big Media”) have totally missed the bus on the relationship of society and technology.

Thanks, Mike!