9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

I can destroy your lawn. Look upon my work ye mighty and weep, for I can render any lawn to pure horror. Lovecraftian alien lanscapes are left in my wake, as I cut a swath of pure hellscape before me.

And I can do it to your lawn for free!

I have spent hundreds of dollars on fertilizer, sprinkler parts, soil, occult amulets, little statuary that you bury, etc, and I figure if I spend 0 dollars on any other lawn the results would either be the same or horrifically worse. Imagine Satan’s lawn. Yeah that was one of mine.

I could never do it for a living. Or for fun. Or at all it seems.

I would like to xeroscape all of it. Pull it all down, burn it and piss on the ash. I would reenact a scene from the jungles of the brazilian rain forest, slashing and burning the depths of the dark greenery to make way for cheap wastful farmland. Except my yard would grow nothing.

Except for rocks. Magical growing rocks. And maybe a cactus.

But I would kill that too.