discardia

Like all stupid stories, this one started on a dark and stormy night. Three monkeys hidden in the darkened cover of a great ash tree planned the night’s activities.

“Hoo, hoo, ha, ha” said the first monkey, pointing at a house behind him.

In response, the second monkey shook his head and slapped the ground. The third monkey just picked his nose and stared up into the sky.

“Hoo, he, screeeeeech, haha” the first monkey encouraged and promptly slapped the third monkey’s face.

The third monkey looked shocked for a moment then slowly looked skywards again with his finger hovering below his right nostril. The second monkey just shook his head.

“Ha, hee hee, ha hoo.” said the first monkey.

“Oh stop with the damn monkey talk, Frank. It is not like anyone is around to hear us anyway.” said the second monkey.

Frank frowned viciously. “I can talk in monkey if I damn well feel like it, Reginald! I thought we were undercover! Don’t monkeys on this planet speak like that?”

The third monkey started to pick his nose again. Frank whipped his hand out again and slapped the third monkey upside his head.

“Dammit, Ed! Stop trying to excavate your brain cavity! If you keep going, you will be elbow deep and drooling all over yourself from your self-imposed lobotomy!”

Ed shrugged slowly and started to scratch his butt instead. Reginald turned and smiled at Frank. Frank fumed.

“I still think we should go in there and just get rid of the damn thing,” Frank said, pointing at the house again. “It is an abomination! The longer we carry that… that… THING around, the more likely he will wake up and poop on us again.”

“It is just a baby, Frank. It is supposed to do that.” Reginald said.

“I don’t CARE! If my sister had an ugly hairless thing like that, I would have thrown it off the ship! Why don’t you care more? And who’s idea was it in the first place to try to offload that thing on this backwater planet, eh? Not mine. I was all for trying to hit a solar flare, but nooooooooo, Big Ol Reginald has to take care of his freakish nephew.”

Reginald shook his head again. “Come on Frank. It is just a baby. Drop it off with some locals, he will fit right in. I chose that house because that baby will be terminal.”

“Fine. Do what you want. Ed and I will just stand here and wait for you to come back.”

“Uhhhhh. Ed is hungry.”

“Shut up, Ed. Keep scratching your butt.” Frank snapped.

Reginald turned around and grabbed the small basket with his hand. A bundled baby laid quietly inside, fast asleep and smelling of bananas. He strode quickly across the street, basket under his arm, hand and feet gently slapping the ground as he ran. He reached the door and ran through at full speed. The walls of the house were nothing but an illusion for him, his body phasing between the atoms that held the walls and doors and furniture together.

He reached the bedroom and pulled the small baby out the carrier. The empty basket was full of blinking lights that diffused a soft gentle blue glow that filled the darkened bedroom. The monkey stuck his head in through the atoms of the bed and through the woman lying in it. He stood up slowly and gently pushed his arm back in, tounge pressed outwards and to side of his compressed lips, and felt around for the soon to be miscarried human baby. He removed the human and quickly placed the genetically aberrant monkey baby into the human woman and made sure the placenta and umbilical cord were ok and fused on for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Smiling to himself for his quick genius of a switch, he grabbed what was left, and ran out to his waiting companions. Just as quickly as the monkeys appeared on that dark and stormy night, they vanished into the night air. A thin vapor in the shape of the three monkeys was quickly lost to the winds of the storm.

The woman rolled onto her side in her sleep, the baby made her feel like it was doing somersaults in her belly. She patted her tummy gently. “Calm down, baby. Your ok.”

The baby stopped moving and was born four months later. Thick black hair covered his head and promptly fell out when it was first washed, completely removing all traces of his space monkey heritage.

Until he hit puberty.

And, of course, that monkey is me.