9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

We used to have an internal house application called Dragnet. Whenever I saw dev screens, I always thought of this theme.

• Just because an error is reproducible on a system, that does not necessarily mean it is the fault of the system. Users have undeniable talent at unintentionally using a system contrary to the developer’s intent. And somehow that is the developer’s fault.
• 95% of all problems are solved with a reboot. Even if it doesn’t seem to do a damn thing to help.
• Users will mostly fail at rebooting first, then calling for help. They always call first.
• All problems are emergencies, therefore there is no such thing as an emergency.
• Most users cannot understand technology. Not because they are not intelligent, but because they just don’t care. Take that rule and apply it to any personnel supporting said technology. Users don’t care about them either. They just want their problem fixed. The resulting conclusion is that users don’t need to be informed of changes in the environment. As long as it works, they don’t care.
• Regardless of how new, fancy, or expensive a system is, a user will always complain they have a slow machine or that there is something wrong.
• “Glitches” are always explained by PEBKAC.
• Some users think they know what they are talking about when it comes to your job. You can ignore them. Blowhards are just that.
• Users are people, and as such, they deserve respect. But not too much, because then they just walk all over you. And the resulting slapdown is usually more painful for everyone involved.
• Users generally believe any problem can be solved by throwing money into a technology “solution”. They are always wrong.
• Culture always subverts good intentions.
• Certifications are not a worthwhile measure. At all. In fact, unless you work for Government, or a Government contractor, certifications in IT are generally a sign you should avoid the individual altogether.
• Most new hires are a bad fit.
• Isolationism is one symptom of a horrible culture disease in a multiple office company. And the hardest to cure.
• Given two mutually exclusive choices, users will always want both.
• Users will not accept “no” as an answer. But they will accept “I will have to look into that.” Most users never figure out that they mean the same thing.
• Given a quantity of available storage space, users will always want more and/or exhaust what is provided.
• Most users believe the “Rules” are optional and don’t actually apply to them. Corporate Computing Policies are more of guidelines than actual “Rules”.
• Hiring friends is always a mistake.
• Someone will always find fault with your decisions. Regardless of their outcome or circumstances.
• Virtual teams are difficult to manage. Duh.
• Entropy and Order is the best way to describe Data Management. Just as Centralization and Decentralization is the best way to describe a Server Environment. And there is never an outcome, just a continual balancing act.

And that’s the way it is.

1. Faith in email
2. Faith in computer security
3. Faith in the “green” movement
4. Faith in government
5. Faith in “total information awareness”

There are a few things that I have learned when it comes to Information Technology.

1. Do your homework on new tech, but don’t let it bog you down
2. Research the shit out of new tech if it has 80% plausibility
3. Plausibility implies that the tech improves the process, supports the business plan, and addresses a weakness
4. If the tech does not fulfill all of those criteria, it is not worth talking about, “what-ifs” are a waste of time
5. Don’t hesitate on tech purchases once the homework is done
6. Management does not know best, regardless of their own belief that they do
7. If the criteria are satisfied and ROI is feasible, management should not argue
8. People require finesse, but good tech should not
9. Critical thinking and tech troubleshooting are one and the same
10. If you suck at general troubleshooting, then yes, you do suck at logic, and yes, I will not value your opinion.
11. Learning is a collaborative process, and yes, I will laboriously step you through the logic until you fucking get it
12. It may seem to be a waste of time, but if it improves your skills, then shut the fuck up
13. Continuous learning does in fact include degree programs, certs are not all that
14. Certs are as valuable as a golden dollar… shiny at first, but not worth that much in the real world
15. Someone who rests on laurels can do so in the street
16. All tech jobs are mostly the same… it is the individual that makes it work, not necessarily the experience (although it helps)
17. Give me a people person, and I will give you a hundred reasons why they won’t make a good techie
18. Give me a good techie, and I will give you a hundred reasons why they won’t make a good manager
19. A good manager is a person that learns that there is a fine line between the two worth walking
20. Documentation is 80% of the job
21. Yeah that may suck, but it is the only way it will work well in the long run

Related: Link

HAHA! Get it? Abhorrent list. Abhorrent. Abhor. A list of things I hate.

Oh nevermind.

1. I hate close talkers
2. I hate the smell of ginger
3. I hate how people hate and love America at the same time
4. I hate the rednecks that drive people to hate America
5. I hate when men leer
6. I hate gravel voices
7. I hate when people act fake
8. I hate shitty writers
9. I hate thinking that shitty writers are published
10. I hate thinking writing is shitty when I don’t write
11. I hate that I don’t write
12. I hate feeling inadequate
13. I hate when I make judgements subconsciously
14. I hate people that think video games are juvenile
15. I hate when people think they are not responsible for their actions
16. I hate water buffalos. Next one I see gets shot.
17. I hate hate lists