9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

Some little things really drive me nuts.

In my biz (techie term… I am hip that way), we use this techie thing called IM (you may have heard of it). It is a preferred method for some as a nice in-between choice of a lackadaisical email which my take hours to get a response to, and the hit-you-over-the-head blunt force trauma of an actual phone call.

So sometimes I get a number of tech requests over IM, things like “internet is down” or “email is offline” or “my head has assploded”. You know, things like that.

I get an IM today saying that their internet access is down. I reply via, no response. I check the router… Yep its down. Need some physical assistance… No reply. Send another IM. No reply.

You know if the shit is hitting the fan, don’t get up and leave the critical IM you jusy dropped in my lap hanging out in space. I mean after all, you are the one that chose to use IM in the first place. Seriously.

Gah.

I don’t know why I let it bother me. But a couple things about email and how people use it really annoy me. Deeply and profoundly. I don’t know why it eats me so, but I really wish I could just let the damn pet peeve go.

First, stationary. Seriously? Stationary? Has our world devolved to the point that you need to make your email pretty? Seriously?!? Your stationary just makes your email harder to read and larger in size to boot. Stationary sucks. Don’t use it. It is ugly and I do not like having everything indented to the right by 6 tabs when I am trying to read a thread. We do not live in a world of Victorian values. Stationary should be reserved to the world of paper and snail mail. Use your fancy paper with your fancy calligraphy pens and your stamps. Email is email. Digital. That shit is just plain superfluous.

Second, email signatures. The company I work for is insisting that we have a consistent email signature. This I don’t necessarily have a problem with (besides bugging a ton of users, and just saddling IT with the duty to explain why). The problem I have is that the brand manager designed the sig. So it is huge, contains images, and has dead space. My sig on a standard resolution screen takes about a half an inch of vertical space in a thread. The header of an email (the date, to, from and subject) generally takes about 3/4″ on a reply or forward. This “standardized” email sig is 3.5 inches in height and 4.5 inches in width. And its JUST A SIGNATURE! Gah! Instead of signed, blah, blah, blah. It’s signed, image, space, blah, space, blah, space, space, blah, space blah, and a legal notice. Which segues into my next point…

Lastly, legal notices on email. Come on world, everyone is so gun shy about possible legal offense. Email is a nonspecific, nonguaranteed delivery method. The SMTP RFC (which is what email is), does not guarantee delivery, nor does it guarantee correct routing. It is a “best effort” protocol. It tries to deliver the message. If it can’t or it happens to go to the wrong place, that is something you cannot hold someone who received the message liable for. The only legal ground you could have against an accidental receiver is if they misuse that information in obvious nonlegal ways. Which, um, are already against the law. So don’t add 6 sentences telling me how to handle my email. Any party that receives an email unwittingly cannot be bound by confidentiality or any conditions that they did not accept. I can do whatever I want with the info I received, however I want to. If I want to print it out and wipe my butt with it, I can. You cannot, by the nature of the technology, regulate the explicit distribution. All you need is a link in an email to a corporate policy page on the net that covers any information misuse in any form. That’s it, that’s all. Misuse through any and all methods should be covered in your information policy, just not email. So stop the email legal disclaimers which are obviously a sign your company is brain dead. Please. Until email is completely redesigned or has some 3rd party delivery method that guarantees routing and delivery, with both parties agreeing to terms, legalese on your email threads is just plain dumb.

Come on.

A new Amazon Kindle 2: $360

A book that I would read (picked at random), Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert (published 1969): Paperback, $7.99

Same book, but for the Kindle: $7.19

Difference: 80 cents.

Assume, if this price difference was the norm between a physical paper book (printing, distribution, materials) and virtual e-book (no printing, cheap distribution, no materials), for a book written 40 years ago (!), then let us think about this…

I would have to read 450 books purchased through the Kindle to make up the cost difference between the Kindle version and the paperback version.

I read about 1 book every 2 weeks.

450 books at 2 weeks a book, equals 6300 days. Or 900 weeks, or 225 months, or 4.3 years.

The value proposition is not there. A book should be a fraction of the price to offset the cost of a ebook reader… and that experience should be universal for any book I may want to read. Distribution costs for the publisher and Amazon are almost nil, there are no physical material costs associated with the book, and there is NO marketing associated with the book. The royalties for the book are going to the Herbert family, not the original author (thanks copyright law).

So why only 80 cents? Why not 4 bucks?

Coming to work everyday and dealing with users… no problem.

Trying to stay on top of ever-changing business requirements… (kinda) no problem.

Learning the latest and greatest technologies for possible implementation… no problem.

Managing my boss… um… Problem.

He likes to get into technical details. Generally a little too technical. Because in terms of service/cost/provisioning, the technical details rarely matter all that much. It is a function of the business, the environment, and the desired outcomes… i.e. the requirements drive the work, not the technical stuff. The technical stuff is mostly about implementation. And he has told me multiple times he does not want to get tied up in implementation, that is what I get paid for.

Really?

I have a litmus test saying otherwise! Time and time again, it is all about technical details, not about satisfying the requirements, and the cost/planning/schedule of the project. The interesting part is that you would think he would want to dwell in the world of the project planning.

That is where all the glory is.

And money.

Generally whenever anyone posits such a remark in a conversation, it is usually because they are actually big fat jerks.

However, I am not a jerk. I am a type-b, laid back personality, and I usually take things as they come. I have my moments though, and this morning I definitely had one.

I was Starcracks, getting myself a cuppajoe, when I stumbled upon not only one of the most frustrating social situations one can encounter, but two.

You know em. They are the people that stand at the coffee bar (where the sugar, spice and creamer is at) and take 20 mins to mix their drink to seemingly scientific levels of precision where they can taste if their damn iced half-whip, full foam, doubleshot, barista spit, double pump mocha has exactly 24 grains of sugar. Not 25, nay 26 is right out, nor 23, for that is too few. Exactly 24. And they have to mix it all so damn slow, I thought the world was going to start spinning backwards like some parody of a Superman movie.

With one such individual, you can still mosey on up and get your dash of creamer and be on your way. But with two! With two, you my friend are fucking stuck.

I couldn’t mosey on up. I couldn’t even reach the creamer if I wanted to. So I had to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Happy Birthday!

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year 2009!

And wait…

Damn.

Granted, if this is the worst inconvenience one can suffer, I will gladly take it. But still. You just want to dump your 180 degree coffee on there damn head and tell them if they want to take 20 minutes to mix their coffee, they better well do it off to the damn side and at least attempt to be polite to the other customers.

So here’s to you, coffee scientists everywhere, hope you have a great day!

But… tomorrow I hope you dump 2 grains of extra sugar into your ass-clown excuse of a drink and suffer the unholy consequences!