Archive for the ‘ Rants ’ Category

How can one NOT disdain users?

Like peasants of old, scratching at the muck, discussing who voted for the King of England (insert Monty Python quote here), our faithless users wander about the digital landscape wondering why they don’t have quantum computers that can’t do their job for them without producing some sort of error and making them coffee all at the same time.

Garbage in, Garbage out. If the user screws something up, they never take the responsibility, they blame the system.

I have a user that places a help request for a file restore. I send a email reply asking for the path and filename and the date he wants it restored from about one business hour after he places the request. He does not respond. At all.

Two days later I send another email, asking again. What a surprise, he does not respond.

I call him, asking what he needs. He replies that he cannot read my emails. (He apparently lost his eyeballs somehow? I have no idea how he is functioning in his job if he is not reading email and just sending it. They are plain text emails, no pictures, no attachments, and our mailboxes are on the same damn server.) Somehow, I get the info I need to perform the restore.

He calls back after I perform the restore. Wrong file (oh so he does read email, just not any from me). So I get a different date restored for him. No call back that anything is wrong. No email. Nothing. I assume all is well. After all I have a thousand other things to go do since I have two offices moving, a corporate re-ip underway, and a MPLS WAN to deploy.

So now, a week after all that happened, I get another ticket from his SUPERVISOR, accusing me of ignoring the request and not addressing it in a proper time frame, saying that not only did I skip the user’s request once, but TWICE.

My word, this world is full of douche bags.

Listen here, mate. Just because your employee can’t read emails, and he can’t follow through, and he can’t get shit done on his own time is not, in any sort of fashion, my fault. You do not shit on the IT guy just because you can’t manage your employees effectively. So instead, why don’t you try a little respect and get all the info in hand before you go shooting from your damn hip. Just a thought. You cannot shit on my head and expect me to thank you for the damn hat. (That is my boss’s job, not yours.)

What a tool.

The death of Oink

Here is a brilliant rant about the state of music biz from a CD cover artist… the guy that has made many of NiN’s covers.

Whether this guy likes it or not, iPods have become synonymous with music – and if I filled my shiny new 160gb iPod up legally, buying each track online at the 99 cents price that the industry has determined, it would cost me about $32,226. How does that make sense? It’s the ugly truth the record industry wants to ignore as they struggle to find ways to get people to pay for music in a culture that has already embraced the idea of music being something you collect in large volumes, and trade freely with your friends.

Already is the key word, because it didn’t have to be this way, and that’s become the main source of my utter lack of sympathy for the dying record industry: They had a chance to move forward, to evolve with technology and address the changing needs of consumers – and they didn’t. Instead, they panicked – they showed their hand as power-hungry dinosaurs, and they started to demonize their own customers, the people whose love of music had given them massive profits for decades

Speedy-fracking-Gonzalez

My company was purchased in April of 2005 roughly, and our new parent company wished to exchange Global Address Lists with us. (Global Address Lists, GALs, are a company directories accessible in your email client.)

No big deal, right? We had been doing it for years with our previous parent company. And thanks to a fellow partner-in-crime from a sister IT department, it was relatively easy. Click, click, done.

Some backstory might help here… our new parent company outsources all of their IT to a couple different companies.

We give them our GAL, they give us theirs, and I import it, no problem. (Keep in mind it took months to just get it from them, no joke.) We agree that we should do this at least every quarter, perhaps even once a month.

They don’t import ours. And they don’t send us updates.

Flash forward a year. People are complaining that ours is out-of-date and that it is completely missing on the parent company side. I contact them again, exchange GAL files again, and again, it took like a month to get it.

Then I talk to the admin on their side. He has no clue how to import it easily. I say no problem… here are the steps I take, here is the source code that makes the deltas between the old stuff and the new stuff, here is the commands we use to export and import the info. I made it super easy.

I don’t know if they import ours or not. I update our side. Again we agree that it should happen once a quarter or once a month.

Flash forward another year. No updates from them, and they STILL haven’t imported ours. The CEO of their company gets on them and I get a phone call asking how to do it. I send the same info I sent before… the steps, the commands and the source code.

I import theirs again.

This week I get an email from their admin.

Guess what he was asking me?

How to do it easily. He didn’t want to “reinvent the wheel” (his words). He didn’t want to dig through the source code – I looked at it, and even I, not a programmer in the least, can read it and understand it easily. I don’t get it.

Have they imported ours yet?

Nope still working on that from APRIL.

Takes me 20 minutes. Takes them 6 months?

WTF?

Working it all out

As I have mentioned in the past, things are weird at my company. Not only are there four different cultures (soon to be five or six), but every office has it’s own way of doing things.

Let me rephrase that. Each office has their own set of unique expectations. Then we got purchased. By a whole another entity with a unique set of expectations.

And now, Information Systems is in the middle of the quagmire so to speak. Each of us managers deal with the stress in different ways. One of my colleagues doesn’t seem to notice… he has chosen to bury his head in code (even if the end product won’t fit all the business units). My other colleague is stressed (rightly so, as he handles the majority of the users), and is trying everything to find a sane way out of the quagmire of conflicting expectations. Then there is our boss, a happy-go-lucky kind of chap who enjoys flying by the seat of his pants because that is just “how he rolls, dog.”

Then there is me. For the most part, seeing a world of chaos around me and choosing to ignore it until the shit implodes. I guess I have kind of accepted my boss’s point of view in that sense. Flip the bird to tomorrow and worry about the brightest fire today. Basically maintaining the course until an iceberg approaches.

Which is great. Because you can spend the majority of your time surfing the net and working on pet projects when the little monkey wrench maintenance shit isn’t giving you a headache.

But then again, it is a horrible undesirable road to walk down. The kind of road you look at and say to yourself, “Holy shit, the lions, the tigers, and the bears have all collectively hung themselves from the enchanted trees due to the fear of this forsaken and forgotten path of hell.”

Because the outcome will either go one of two ways. One, you will be in the same place as today, flying by the seat of your pants, and somehow making it work. Or Two, you are working at a meat packing plant because you lost your job due to poor planning.

So I do my part planning. It has kind of turned into a pet project. I have these plans, see, and they will probably amount to nothing, but it is better to have planned and failed then not to have planned at all and still failed. The wrench in my works is the fact that my Boss sees planning as manager level activity and not necessarily an activity that warrants his involvement and strategy of the IS group as a whole. (Big mistake in my opinion… you will understand in a moment.)

I think he sees it that way. But then again…. I am not too sure about my Boss. Sometimes he is brilliant. Other times I shake my head in wonderment.

And he says I talk down to him. (Which may happen, but that is only because I am shaking my head in wonderment. He is almost two people at times. Jekyll and Hyde. Both are nice people, but one is missing a few hotfixes for his application, if you get my drift.)

The one nice thing about my job is the amount of perspectives on how things should be done. And that is only because it makes for great viewing. Like a sitcom almost… and I get to be the bad guy. There are people that come to work, do the job, and head home. Not a word about anything else. Then there are the people that think their users are “customers” (as in they are always right (wrong)) and go way out of their way to get the job done and try to make tomorrow even rosier. Then there are the people that are only focused on their small part of world and not concerned about anything outside of it. Then there are the people who think this is their chance to try every IS management approach under the sun in order to solve “the problem”.

(“The problem” is just whatever fire is burning bright at that time. So in essence, it really isn’t a problem. Just an annoyance. But the way they talk, you would think the world is freaking ending. The complexity is an outcome of their own way of doing things. But I digress.)

I loved our recent budget cycle talks… the perspective thing totally got adjusted. Our company Controller (CFO, whatever) came into one of our meetings to talk about the IS budgeting and recovery process. My boss, and my colleague (the one trying to figure his way out the quagmire), had these two completely different approaches and sets of expectations for how the budget shit should roll. Our Controller comes in and shook the snowglobe a little bit and by the time he left, the perspectives had shifted. Like 8.2 on the richter scale shifted.

So you have these four completely different approaches to planning. My boss’s way (the freestyle approach), my colleague #1 (find the path out of the quagmire), my colleague #2 (buried in the code), and my relatively yin/yang approach.

And the result of our different approaches?

They don’t really matter right now. Because the company is reorganizing offices into business units.

Yeah, no shit.

Icing on the proverbial cake. Because we had this plan you see. The one common driving force for our group. Based right off of the company strategic plan. A good plan. A plan with outcomes and shit. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t even great, but it was something. And now that something is gone. There would be people at my work that would argue with that… that things are only changing in the org chart, the plan won’t be different. And that is complete and utter shit.

The company is giving license to the business units to do things “their way”. A free ticket to make money as they see fit. And Information Systems in caught in the middle because we are underfunded, overstretched, and historically poorly managed and invested, and we will be asked to make it all “work”.

So my opinion of the path forward?

Complete abandonment I think. Perceptions, especially our perceptions, are fucking off. We have to realize we are a commodity, no matter how much we want to sugarcoat it, and Information Systems is only going to provide strategic advantage if it is managed properly. Considering we could be outsourced and no one would notice, tells me that any strategic advantage is currently non-existent.

And now we don’t have a plan… because it doesn’t fit the new way.

So we wait. And our four different methods of handling it all are in some sort of unspoken conflict, and soon we will have other opinions, other approaches. And I guarantee we are going to flounder about like some wretched beached whale because everyone thinks their way is the better way and no one at the top is going to step in and lay down the law.

Someone in our company needs to grow some freaking balls about how to globally manage IT. I am hoping my boss has it in him. But like I said, sometimes I wonder. I am a bit afraid that he won’t. I am afraid that he thinks it is up to people that don’t know shit about IT to make informed decisions. In reality, what we need is a visionary to say this is how it is, this is how it is going to be, and have management behind him to have the authority to say it.

Because until that happens, we are just here to make sure that crap doesn’t break. Policies, project management, and standardization be damned. Management says that we are an engineering company not an IT company, and that is their excuse. We are a support function.

Which is true… we are just a support function. Just like your heart is only a support function for your brain.

Managing the health of your support function will go a long way in making the company healthier.

Egad, I wish the company would wake up.

Microcosm of cultures

When people talk about cultures, it is often in regards to the greater cultures of our world. For instance, America has a specific culture (arguably many), or China has their specific culture, or England’s culture is stodgy and paranoid, etc. However, what I think few people truly understand, is that cultures develop and are created in the smallest subsets of human populations. A great example is a company. A company, or corporation, is an entity itself. An entity made up of many individuals, with many different value systems, belief structures, and sometimes conflicting biases and behavior patterns. But the results of those interactions between individuals, whether good or bad, end with the result of the corporate entity’s culture, and in the end, its underlying identity.

A company can consist of many hundreds of people, from different countries, locations, cities, languages, cultures, and these people will interact and interrelate based on the preexisting corporate culture, if it exists, and if they have been properly indoctrinated. The greater corporate culture will help the individual transcend their own biases, and assist the individual in viewing the issues facing the organization through the common value filter of the corporation. This value filter is the lens by which all the parts and pieces of the corporate culture view the day-to-day events. Sometimes, cultures can fracture and split in an organization, creating subcultures that relate to the greater value system, but steep in their own flavor of culture all the same. Sometimes, it is beneficial, but most times, it is not.

The fracture in culture can occur due to a number of reasons. Changes in the corporate value system, in the management vision, acquisitions, buyouts, takeovers, financial woes… any number of threats can shatter a corporate culture into smaller pieces of the whole. Without a strong culture already in place when a change occurs, the resulting subcultures will drift farther and farther away from each other.

And the horrible thing about fixing culture issues is the massive amount of time and money it requires to build a positive affirming healthy culture. It costs a fortune… in both human and monetary costs, but the result is far too important to the long term success of the company for it to be ignored.

I have been on the front lines of one of the most varied culture shifts one could imagine. It is almost to epic proportions, and the funny thing is that hardly anyone notices. It is unseen and unspoken, yet it affects everything we try to do as a corporation. Far too often the blame lands on a process, or a person, or a team, and never on the underlying aspects of what actually caused the issue in the first place… the fracture of corporate culture. And more often than not at my company, Information Systems is the scapegoat.

Information Systems really has its finger on the pulse of the organization. I think from an operations standpoint, IS can feel the push and sway of forces within the organization faster than most, if not all, of the executive team. (And sadly, the IS reporting structure is removed from the executive team altogether. The general manager of IS in our company has always reported to someone else besides the CEO. Now that we are a private organization, you would think things would change. But unfortunately, that is not the case. At least not yet. Time will tell. But back to the culture problem.)

Since IS can feel these competing forces within the organization quickly, we often bear the brunt of the associated pain or conflict that results form these forces colliding. The company has unfortunately seen three mergers, two buyouts, and recent acquisition, so you can imagine the culture issues that have resulted. The company started off as a engineering group of a regulated power utility company in Texas. Just a subset of engineers, drafters, and a handful of support personnel really, not much of a company. But the utility thought it would be in their best interest to spin this group off into its own entity and focus instead on their own core business. The subsidiary that was created was the first and oldest office of the company. They did things how any small business would… just survive and make things work. They still were owned by the parent Utility, but could now perform work for other companies as well.

Fast forward a decade or so and the Utility parent company starts looking for opportunities to grow within a quickly deregulated industry, the first opportunity is to merge with a power company in Colorado. A power company that has had an engineering group of its own for quite a while. A group that has had plenty of time to forge their own value systems, their own way of doing things, their own processes and procedures, the whole gambit. And all of a sudden, they are now a branch office of a company in Texas.

At this point, a smart company would start a violent and massive indoctrination process to start flexing and changing the culture and values and processes, etc. But does it happen at this engineering company?

Not at all.

Because the pre-existing office in Texas is a family oriented culture. A focus on the hometown, the small town way of life, the value is in the personal relationships within the office. An island of sorts, isolated unto themselves. Because of this, the resulting branch office from the merger, looks inward as well. They put up the proverbial walls, sound their trumpets, and decide to keep doing things the way they were doing it before. And the office managers are given that leeway by the management (big mistake). So now, you have one company, one brand, one market presence and face to customers, and two different ways to do everything.

A few years later, and it all happens again. This time the merger is between the existing parent Utility and a utility in Minneapolis (who by the way, have their own engineering group). And without much ado, the company now has a branch office in Minneapolis. The result is that there is now three different ways of doing things. Three islands with different approaches to the same problems. By this point, technology has started to rapidly become a larger part of the company. The internet has started to grow rapidly, the need for cross office technology products is becoming apparent. The kicker is that the largest group of IS personnel is in Texas.

Can you see where this is going?

The Texas IS group wants to standardize, have a common IS infrastructure, etc. Can they do it? Not really, because that would be the “Texas way” of doing things, which completely violates the existing corporate cultures in the other two offices. So the only answer, like all the other groups and processes in the company, is separate, slightly linked, Information Systems groups. Separate servers, separate staff, separate processes and procedures across the board. This all goes to reinforcing the island mentality. The “Colorado way”, the “Texas way”, and the “Minneapolis way” are all in direct competition now. The executive team knows it, but again, is either too weak to change things, or just not getting it. They continue to give the leeway to the office general managers to continue “their way” of making money. Whatever it takes, long term results be damned.

Executives come and go. And my company is no different. After that merger, the executive board of the company was headed by a charismatic Enron type that felt it would be best for the us to grow via small company buyouts… and then he went on a spending spree. He bought a company in Nebraska and a company in Connecticut. Two separate entities, and again, with their own way of doing things. And who is asked to task the integration of these two new offices? Well IS of course.

And of course, these two companies have their own cultures, their own way of doing things. They are labeled slightly different in “their way”, instead of the “Nebraska way”, it is the “Company X Way”. Now that they are Company Y, that fact does not matter, because the Company X way is the way they have been making money and that is the way it must continue. No cross integration, no indoctrination, no effort expended to develop a common culture, or a common identity.

So people cling to what they know. And a company that started as a single office in Texas now has to wrestle with the fact that there is five offices, and five ways of doing things. Not just in Information Systems, but in every aspect. The only method that is consistent is the the Finance piece. Everyone uses the same Accounting system. Whoop-de-doo.

And just about three years ago (sounds like a while, but it is not), the company and its pieces were sold by the parent Utility to a construction company. The new parent company is privately owned, big, and very dedicated to their way of doing things, which is a good thing. But to push that culture down is going to take a monumental effort, and I sure haven’t seen it yet down in the trenches. And again, IS is in the middle of it, being asked to fix problems that can’t really be fixed because one answer is going to piss off four others. IS is in the middle of it, but not being recognized as being in the middle of it. We are the unvalued experts, so to speak, and not of direct thought or concern to the executive staff until after the shit hits the fan.

Until the culture of islands is recognized by not only the executives, but the general managers, and the management at all levels, things will not improve. Things will not change. Because recognizing that you are in a culture battle is the first step in fixing the culture problem, and thereby taking the first step in fixing the process and procedure issues that everyone thinks are the problem, when in reality, they are not. Information Systems, meanwhile, has to try its best to maintain an environment that we recognize as being diverse and varied, but do what we can to standardize.

Remember that thing I mentioned about IS having its finger on the pulse of the company? Right after the acquisition of our company by the construction company, we recognized that we as an IS organization could not effectively support the company as a single entity in our current form. So we reorganized into a centralized corporate entity supporting the company as a whole and not as islands. So far, we have made some great strides in standardizing and unifying, but only to a point. Since we can’t change the underlying business functions of the offices, we can’t change many of the things that affect us… we can’t proactively fix an issue if that is the “way” the office does it. Instead, we have to address it after the fact and hope to encourage a behavior or process change that is closer to the global whole.

And that is a massive pain in the butt.

Now, our company is about to undergo a corporate re-org. A change that IS effectively saw almost two years ago, a change that we already made, and something that we are working daily on improving. Hopefully we can get the corporation to catch up to where we are, so we can better support the business plan to our full extent. Hopefully those first glimmers of culture change are about to happen. Perhaps.

Time will tell. But the microcosms of culture tend to be self-reinforcing and very protective of themselves. I think if things change for the better, there will have to be pain involved. Because people will have to change. They will have to abandon their “way” and work towards the new unified way. The company can no longer be adrift as their own islands… it will only cause the company to sink.

And with that kind of motivation, things might just change.

Spanktards Award: Great Lakes Airlines

Here is the scene: Dark and stormy night, sand as far as the eye can see. In the midst of egyptian ruins, Indiana Jones and Sala on their stomachs, peering down into the depths of the Well of Souls. Indiana sighs deeply and rolls onto his back and mutters: “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?”

To which Sala replies: “Asps. Very poisonous. You go first.”

Much like Indiana Jones and his aversion to any reptile without legs, I truly hate checking my bags when I fly. Whenever I check my luggage something goes wrong. Almost every single time I have ever checked my bag, it has gotten lost, damaged, or some other form of mayhem that typically ruins my day. And thanks to the wonderful TSA overreacting about gels and liquids (which has been disproven by many many many scientists as actually being a viable explosive), I HAVE to check my bag.

You know my flight to Amarillo last night? Yeah, my bag was on its way to somewhere else. And the Spanktard Award goes to…. (drumroll please)… Great Lakes airlines! For losing a bag on a straight through puddle jump flight with no connections, layovers or changes! You are all freaking retards! Dee, Dee, Dee!

So I had to haul ass to the local mall before it closed, by a change of clothes, necessary toiletries, and hope that my bag finds me before all my stuff runs out of juice. My iPod, DS lite and phone chargers are in my checked bag. I thought I would be smart and save wieght on my carry-on.

Yeah, who is the retard now?

Moi.

Terrorism has won

From Wired:
_______________________________________________

“I’d like everyone to take a deep breath and listen for a minute.

The point of terrorism is to cause terror, sometimes to further a political goal and sometimes out of sheer hatred. The people terrorists kill are not the targets; they are collateral damage. And blowing up planes, trains, markets or buses is not the goal; those are just tactics.

The real targets of terrorism are the rest of us: the billions of us who are not killed but are terrorized because of the killing. The real point of terrorism is not the act itself, but our reaction to the act.

And we’re doing exactly what the terrorists want.

We’re all a little jumpy after the recent arrest of 23 terror suspects in Great Britain. The men were reportedly plotting a liquid-explosive attack on airplanes, and both the press and politicians have been trumpeting the story ever since.

In truth, it’s doubtful that their plan would have succeeded; chemists have been debunking the idea since it became public. Certainly the suspects were a long way off from trying: None had bought airline tickets, and some didn’t even have passports.”

______________________________________________

And… from here:

“Much of the current alarm is generated from the knowledge that many of today’s terrorists simply want to kill, and kill more or less randomly, for revenge or as an act of what they take to be The shock and tragedy of September 11 does demand a focused and dedicated program to confront international terrorism and to attempt to prevent a repeat. But it seems sensible to suggest that part of this reaction should include an effort by politicians, officials, and the media to inform the public reasonably and realistically about the terrorist context instead of playing into the hands of terrorists by frightening the public. What is needed, as one statistician suggests, is some sort of convincing, coherent, informed, and nuanced answer to a central question: “How worried should I be?” Instead, the message the nation has received so far is, as a Homeland Security official put (or caricatured) it, “Be scared; be very, very scared — but go on with your lives.” Such messages have led many people to develop what Leif Wenar of the University of Sheffield has aptly labeled “a false sense of insecurity.”"

_____________________________________________

And…

“The bottom line is, terrorism doesn’t kill many people. Even in Israel, you’re four times more likely to die in a car wreck than as a result of a terrorist attack. In the USA, you need to be more worried about lightning strikes than terrorism. The point of terrorism is to create terror, and by cynically convincing us that our very countries are at risk from terrorism, our politicians have delivered utter victory to the terrorists: we are terrified.”

_____________________________________________

So has terrorism won? Yes. Have we lost the “War on Terror”? Absolutely.

A good parallel is the “War on Drugs”. The War on Drugs was started by Ronald Reagan. And guess what? Spending on this war has gone up and up and up. And usage, distribution, and consumption has stayed the same. The same. The War on Drugs has no mission, no achievable end. Just a black hole for money, fear and politics.

The War on Terror is the EXACT SAME THING in that sense.

So be afraid. And pay your taxes. And let the politicos lead you around by your little chains and restrict your freedoms while their little TSA Theater makes you think your safe. Cause guess what? Your not safe. It is all a sham. The theater of insecurity just plays to fear.

It is not a safe world. The world is full of pain, suffering, hate and lies.

And for every measure that the TSA and our beloved government take, there a million different ways to blow shit up. And who needs explosives? A little gaseous cyanide in a closed plane cabin can go a long way.

Think about that. There is no end, until we fly like birds. Naked and without luggage.
____________________________________________

And this:

“Another thought experiment: Imagine for a moment that the British government arrested the 23 suspects without fanfare. Imagine that the TSA and its European counterparts didn’t engage in pointless airline-security measures like banning liquids. And imagine that the press didn’t write about it endlessly, and that the politicians didn’t use the event to remind us all how scared we should be. If we’d reacted that way, then the terrorists would have truly failed.

It’s time we calm down and fight terror with antiterror. This does not mean that we simply roll over and accept terrorism. There are things our government can and should do to fight terrorism, most of them involving intelligence and investigation — and not focusing on specific plots.

But our job is to remain steadfast in the face of terror, to refuse to be terrorized. Our job is to not panic every time two Muslims stand together checking their watches. There are approximately 1 billion Muslims in the world, a large percentage of them not Arab, and about 320 million Arabs in the Middle East, the overwhelming majority of them not terrorists. Our job is to think critically and rationally, and to ignore the cacophony of other interests trying to use terrorism to advance political careers or increase a television show’s viewership.

The surest defense against terrorism is to refuse to be terrorized. Our job is to recognize that terrorism is just one of the risks we face, and not a particularly common one at that. And our job is to fight those politicians who use fear as an excuse to take away our liberties and promote security theater that wastes money and doesn’t make us any safer.”

_____________________________________________

Next time you watch the news, keep in mind that the Media is there for only one reason. Sensationalism. Not reporting. You have to pull the truth out.

And it ain’t easy.

The great cursing argument

I have spent my lifetime justifying cursing. Seriously. People are always arguing how it is unchristian like and that by cursing you are just warming up your seat on the short bus to h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Sure, Jesus wasn’t walking around asking people how their mothers were using the f-word, but then again, he probably never heard a nice and proper cursing streak. Being the son of God and King of the Jews will prevent that from happening most of the time. Personally, my personal savior seems much cooler when he was running around the temple tossing tables about while calling merchants filthy pigs.

And I don’t disagree, it is unchristian-like to curse. But I argue that it is not improper, sinful or anything else that so many people make it out to be. It is just another part of human speech, language and communication. In my opinion, it is totally ok and will not reserve you a seat on the short bus. After all, your seat was reserved when you born, right?

In my opinion there are only two reasons not to curse.

  1. You are in mixed company and cursing generally is taken as a sign of lower intelligence and poor social aptitude.
  2. You are asleep.

That about covers it. As long as you are not in mixed company, or you do not care what the mixed company thinks, then curse away. (You should care to a certian extent.) There are only a few small rules that should dictate your cursing.

  1. Do not take the Lord’s name in vain. Even if you don’t believe in God, it might be a good idea to follow. Why? Well… just in case, you know? Or you could always aim your cursing at a minor diety, like one of the Grecian gods. “Ahhhh, for Gaea’s sake!” or “Zeus dammit!” or even better, “By the Balls of Zeus!” (He was one horny mofo, if you catch my drift. Iron clad nuts and all that.) If you have ever read American Gods by Neil Gaiman, then you know where I am coming from on this one… be careful what names you are using. I wouldn’t curse Allah around Moslems, so you shouldn’t curse Christ around Christians. Just a thought.
  2. Respect. Just because you curse doesn’t mean you should be a dick about it too. Talking bad about someone behind their back or making fun of someone unfairly is just as bad when you are not cursing, much less when you are. So just make fun of stereotypes. That is how 90% of comedians on this earth stay in business. Making fun of every stereotype as much as they can.
  3. Overusage. Using the f word every other word is only funny once in a while. Using the f-bomb as every adjective, adverb, pronoun, verb and sometimes noun is just not funny all the time. I heard a guy at a High School Marching Band thing last night use very colorful words for no apparent reason beyond the fact that he was clumsy and tripped over his own damn feet. He looked like a tard. Especially with all the little kids around him. Again, respect. Didn’t he notice all those little eyes looking at him like he was a very bad man? What a tard.

Speaking of overusage here is the funniest one that I have ever heard:

Kyle: Shut up, fatboy!
Cartman: Don’t call me fat, you fucking jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he’s talking about “fuck”. You can’t say “fuck” in school, you fucking fat-ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said “fuck” again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: [total shock] What did you say?
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was… [picks up a megaphone] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, Mr. Garrison?
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Holy shit is right. Rock on boys. Rock on.

Myspace is mostly for tards

Seriously. Self absorbed tards. Dee dee dee!

I read an article today about Myspace and the deeper meaning of the social networks.  Much of it was about how interactions occur between the next generation, current generation, and the resulting economic impacts. And I think alot of the article is right on. Dead on. But I have some things to add…

My observations:

Every site is an eyesore and a great example in shit-poor design. I hope none of these tards ever ever ever decides to try to go into Graphic or Web Design. My eyes are still hurting. I think my brain has melted and I am much more stupid-er for looking at those sites.

Then you have every attention whore in the world looking for other shallow people to “hang” with “cuz” they are “cuties”. Gag me. With a bowling ball.

They are all total tools, every single one of them. Don’t they realize that they are being unknowingly exploited by massive marketing efforts? Myspace is the largest aggregation of youth, teen and young adult data on THE PLANET. What do you think “they” are using that for? Commercial prospects to USE YOU TARDS market products to you. You are just dollar signs. Self absorbed dollar signs, but dollar signs nonetheless. “Thanks for the add! Now check out my sexy photos!” Don’t even get me started on soft porn and the silly people that fall for it.

Oh and I love the people my age trying to act like teenagers. Grow up posers.

And if I see one more self-portrait that involves a wierd camera angle and some mopey look, I will claw my eyes out. Browsing myspace, it seems that you either have the extremely depressed losers, or self absorbed losers… hard to tell sometimes. The line can be so thin, and it takes time to weed through the masses to find a couple worthwhile contacts. So snap judgment time: they are all tards.

And, um, I have a page on Myspace. So I guess I am tool of the system and, in turn, a partial tard. And a hypocrite as well! But at least I am self aware enough to realize I am full of shit… some of the people on myspace, I fear, will never actually know what they are.

Pity.

The worst thing to watch on a television

Let’s brainstorm, shall we?

What is the worst possible thing to watch on TV?

Fear Factor, when the contestants are eating live bugs?

Violent movies with blood and guts and rape and other sick things?

Porn? Ooooooh, Porn!

Local news?

It is none of these. None of them.

It is those damn Bowflex commercials!

Or should I say Blowflex.

“In six weeks you can have the body you have always dreamed of… for only 29 dollars a month, you too can have a bowflex body.” Egad, someone please slap me with a raw tuna and call me a bitch. 29 dollars a month for a 1400 dollar machine equates to, let’s see here, carry the two, PAYING FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL BORN LIFE. And not only do the models used in that commercial never use a blowflex, they probably never touched a blowflex until the actual shoot. They all lifted wieghts, and did their cardio, and they have been doing it since High School. They don’t binge on McDonalds or eat ice cream for breakfast. It is their JOB to look like that. They spend their days working their asses off making sure that they have a shot at the next job.

I’ll tell you what… Blowflex sucks. Seriously. There is only one thing that will keep you fit and healthy, and it is eating right and being smart about your exercise. Nothing will make you feel like a sloth of a human being quicker than a blowflex commercial. And look on the realistic side of things… you will buy it, use it twice, and then relgate it to an oversize clothes rack and storage shelf. A 1400 dollar clothes rack.

Give me 700 dollars and I will build you a custom clothes rack actually made for clothes! Deal of a lifetime! Almost free!