9 out of 10 monkeys believe they are not behind glass

“What did you do this weekend?”

“It involved a shovel and a bunch of heavy sand.”

“Building a huge sand castle?”

“Ha ha, very funny… and by the way, eat shit.”

I am a member for a “task force” at my company. And I am awed by how regular, predictable, and probably statistically definitive the Team’s dynamics work out to be the same as if this were school. High school, undergrad, masters, its all the same really. In any group situation where there are deliverables and a desired outcome invariably the team will fracture into the leaders, the contributors, the followers, and the slackers. A bell curve of effort where each participant falls somewhere between the first and third standard deviation from mean. Someone is going to lead and coordinate. Someone will make sure to do their part, plus some, some will just squeak by, and some will not really do anything except show up, and sometimes not even that. This taks force thing that I am a member of, the results are eerily the same.

It makes me wonder if this is really standard team psychology. If it does matter what components make up the team, and if it matters what attitudes are in place. I would think even if you had a team og one type, invariably conflicts and relationships would “push” some of those into the other roles.

My team has its roles clearly defined. Most often, I am the leader in my teams. History has proven that it is the best place to be if I want to get stuff done and get an acceptable outcome. Not this time around though. It is shocking, I think, what my role is this time round.

I think I am the slacker. I would like to make excuses and all that, but honestly, I don’t think it would change the result. I really have not contributed much since the very beginning, and I wonder if that bothers anyone. I would guess, no, that it doesn’t. Since it is a company and not a school thing, there are structures in place to support weakness and cover up faults.

As it is in any human system.

THIS IS FILLER AS REQUESTED.
THIS IS FILLER AS REQUESTED.
THIS IS FILLER AS REQUESTED.
THIS IS FILLER AS REQUESTED.
THIS IS FILLER AS REQUESTED.

Now stop whining about the word “vomit” in the top post.

=P

END OF LINE.

I wanted to type something, since I have not in quite a while. Unless you happen to be a celebrity, pseudo-personality, or have a really nice set of tits, most people’s blogs tend to be for themselves more than for any audience. With that in mind, I thought perhaps I should drop the pretense that this is no longer a private blog, and just accept the fact that people I know read it. I am not a celebrity, or anything else, so there is no reason not to write what I think. I started out wanting to be anonymous, but I think that is impossible now.

My wife reads it. Some friends and family read it. I know that some coworkers hit it too. Because of that, I know that I have cheated myself by not writing what I want when I want. I have self edited my output to reduce any sort of personal fallout.

• One, that is a silly reason to not write.
• Two, no one should be afraid of writing what they think. Especially in this country.
• Three, just because I write it, doesn’t mean my opinions change or my thoughts may be 180 degrees different tomorrow.
• So in conclusion, four, if someone does get offended, boo the fuck hoo. Its just a silly blog. Let it go.

So my new years resolution is to let that fear go. I am not going to self-regulate in fear of repercussion. Its not fair to me. Not that I am going to discuss lurid details of my love life or call anyone names, but I have thought to myself, “hey that would make a good discussion point, I should write that down” only to then think “crap so-and-so may see that, and I don’t want to offend them”.

Fuck it. Maturity is showing me that most of the time, it really is not that big of deal. And I would rather say it then it let it go. Its my blog dammit. I am taking it back. And its a blog, I mean, come on. Its the equivalent of a journal entry on a dirty truck stop bathroom wall. Most people are too worried about whats for dinner to even care if I am frustrated with something. Or someone.

Blowing off some steam is worth the price of a blog. Why have it otherwise?

And in other news…

2009 was a good year. My third child was born, I stumbled past my third decade, and I have yet to write a book. I watched too few movies, I read too few books, I lied about the movies I did see so I wouldn’t get yelled at, I argued too many times with my wife, I lost my temper with my mother for the first time since I was in high school. I had an uncle die, I didn’t particularly care, I feel like a monster because of it. I think my mom is slowly losing her mind, not sure if she is aware of it. I realized my reality view is way different than my mother and brothers view. I now know the meaning of “view askew” and “tangential reality acceptance”. I learned that brutal honesty is far better than placating someone.

I found out that the more age, the more comfortable I am with who I am. Youth is indeed wasted on the young. Irony is man. Man is irony. God exists because irony exists. This is irrefutable logic. I like beer, and that’s ok. It does not make me alcoholic. The sins of my fathers are not my sins. I am not my father. I am something else.

My wife and I can’t see eye-to-eye on some things, I know that it is ok, I am unsure if she realizes that it is ok. I know that I married the right person. I love my wife. 10 years now that we have known each other. I know my life would have been horrible without her. I wish we completely understood each other, but I know we won’t because we are individuals. But yet, I love her enough to wish it anyway. Foolish I know, but that’s romance for a geek.

Opportunity costs are massive when you have kids. Huge. Ginormous. Absolutely fucking massive. I learned that every kid is completely unique and special. It actually is true and not some daft misplaced moral lesson from an after-school special.

I accomplished a lot at work, but if given an opportunity, I don’t think I could tell you why off the top of my head. Still did not write a book. 2010, year of the book. I have to do it or I am going to regret it for the rest of my life.

Most people are shallow. That is by design, or evolution, or some combination of both. Being selfish is a survival instinct… understanding that, I have done more manipulation that I have ever done. It makes me feel dirty. Its called politics. Mutual manipulation. On a grand scale, it becomes government. I get it now. Scale is a function of effort. The more effort put into a project, increase the scale of the project by n. Scope be damned. This describes human outcomes. Sometimes it gives us the Hoover Dam, other times, it gives us the TARP bill.

Avatar was the best movie of the year, narrowly beating Star Trek, which I saw four times in the theater. District 9 was a great treat, UP’s first 10 mins almost made me cry. Every other blockbuster this year sucked balls. HUGE NUTS. Wolverine made me cringe. Terminator made me grimace. Transformers and GIJoe were relegated to my Netflix queue because I knew they were going to be bad. Hollywood needs to get a fucking clue about how IP works. Looking forward to Kick Ass because of that very fact.

I became a leading member of gaming community. Played TF2 about 3 hours a week for half the year. Played L4D and L4D2 more. Zombies are way too much fun to shoot. I missed out on every other game release of the year. I received Borderlands for Christmas, haven’t even loaded it yet. I miss gaming, but kids are better. Way better. No comparison. If I want to game, I have to sacrifice sleep instead. Sometimes it is not worth it. Simply sitting next to my wife is often better. She doesn’t believe me.

I learned Windows 7 is a dream, Server 2008 has some minor hassles. VMWare is the software of the gods. I wonder how I lived before VMware came into my life. I learned that fighting my boss rarely works. I usually have to embed my ideas into his consciousness over time in order to meet my own goals. Arguing with my boss is like punching a brick wall. I can do it, but it fucking hurts after a while.

I did not listen\buy\download any new music this year. Gasp. Zero. My iPod was last updated in October of 2008. That saddens me. A little.

I realized that I am going to get cancer some day. My sex drive is at least half what it was ten years ago. My knee still bugs me, I know that it may bug me for the rest of my life regardless how much exercise or physical therapy I commit to. I know that sometimes that shit will just hurt. My stomach problems have been more active this year. Either stress has gotten to me, or my TypeB personality is starting to fail. I am guessing it is subconscious, so I won’t know the truth. Heartburn sucks though no matter its intensity.

Love is knowing that regardless the circumstances, you would still hug the person in front of you. Even if they have a knife and are not afraid of poking you with it.

Joy is hearing your kids laugh.

Sorrow is seeing your mother in the hospital.

Fear is knowing that this world is what it is, and you had the audacity to have children.

Faith is not caring about your fear.

Frustration is trying to accomplish great things but being mired in the muck to pull yourself out.

Success is…

Well, I will let you know after I get my book done.

I just watched Live Free and Die Hard again… and among all the silly Hollywood touches, there is a kernel of truth about the shift from physical weapons to virtual. Granted, John McClaine still ran around proving otherwise with his Glock, stacking the baddies like cordwood, but regardless, there is a more threat surface area due to our reliance on these damn machines.

And the point…

I hop on the net, and I see a thread in the Admin forum of my gaming community, that our Remote Console function for a few of our more popular servers was hacked.

It’s almost the same as a mugging. Just instead of 9mm pointing drug addict asking for your money, it is some dipshit kid trying to prove their shit to a friend.

Some things change, but then again, some things just never will.