discardia

Twitter Updates for 2012-01-17

I think I have managed to imagine my brother and mother out of existence accidentally. I am not sure how, but I will try to reverse it. #
I know I can do it, like that creepy twilight zone kid, and right now they are standing in a cornfield with my father. #
And hell, I made my dad disappear years and years ago. I am an old hat at this. #
I hope they like corn. And sunshine. And the eerie flute playing in the back ground. #
Name of my next band: ""Eerie Flutes in a Cornfield" #
A bus is like an epic shit, its slow, big, has gas behind it, and is full of nuts. …AND DID I MENTION THE SMELL? #
I love public transportation, its very cleansing. Everything bad in my aura gets stuck to the tacky upholstery. #
Of course its hard to get off too. Because my feet keep getting stuck to the floor. #
At least the bus driver makes good time. I feel sorry for all the other people he pushed off the road and into ditches, trees, other cars… #
Oh look, my driver is Meatloaf. Like a Bat Out of Hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes! #
He just needs the mullet, a head scar, and the cast of Rocky Horror dancing around him. Ohhhh yeah! #

It literally took me over an hour to build my doomsday device, and a second to activate its negavertor. …And then it swallowed itself. #
And then two of my nameless henchman put their hands into the collapsing void. They were such idiots, I kicked them in. #evilproblems #
How can one find henchman that can a) speak with appropriate diction, b) shoot and actually hit something, and c) not fall into voids. #
Also it appears that my doomsday device destroyed my summer home in the negaverse. Why did I ever build it manifold adjacent? #
I liked that house, overlooking a red lake with deathbirds floating on its glowing acidic surface. #evilworldproblems #

Me: "My mouth is full of horrors." Dentist: "Oh, its not that bad." :: THEN MY BICUSPID STARTING SCREAMING ELDRITCH CURSES :: #
FLGATHN NER FLSTHNTANTH…and the dentist's hair burst into flames. She doused it with spout, but then my molar threw a grenade. #allover #
Me: "Told you it was bad." Dentist: "I will never doubt a patient ever again." Me: "My incisor is trying to climb out to assault you." #
Dentist: "I have never seen a sword fashioned out of toothpicks & chicken bones before. And how did he fashion such a cute little headband?" #
Tooth: "avast ye maties! Prepare to be boarded and masticated!" #
Dentist: "Nurse, I will need a #4 an inverse, a bible, a butane torch, a roll of solder, some holy water, and some coffee. I'll be awhile." #
In other news, it turns out I am going bald because my teeth are pulling it out at night to make pirate themed clothing. #toothfashion #
If you think these tweets are bizarre, then you should be here for the crap I am saying to the poor dental assistants. #nervouscomedian #

@jkinter just use DDWRT on your AP, problem solved. in reply to jkinter #
@jkinter I am a big fan of the wrt54gl from linksys. If you couldn't pick up on that. Doesn't support N, but its awesome nonetheless. in reply to jkinter #
With all this reaver talk, I am reminded I have been using backtrack since the days it was called Moser Security Informatik. #iamold #

Funny how people expect email to be near instantaneous. Like email travels at superluminal speeds. Hell you should receive before I send! #
Next time someone says something about email delays, I will tell them that I received the message they sent me. They'll ask "what msg?" #
I remember the bastard sysop from hell from the early internet era… Have I become so likewise jaded? Yikes. #
BASTARD SYSOP CRASHES MATRIX FOR LAUGHS AT NEO'S EXPENSE, LOLS HEARD AROUND WORLD. #

Any restaurant with the word "fork" in the name is impossible to eat at. Sub in the eff word, and no one wants to eat at a place like that. #
Forkin forkin forkin forkin forkin … spoon. #
So xmas came and went, I didn't hear from my family. (We put the *fun* in dysfunctional.) Hopefully they didn't have what we had over xmas. #
First Christmas that I think I lost weight. Thanks Stomach Flu, you are the best! And by best, I mean the absolute forkin worst. #
I wish wordpress app was as easy to use as twitter app, then I wouldn't have to meecroblog through twitter as much, as the brain vomits. #
I can feel my frontal lobe going "bbbbllllaorch-aaaaagh" as I stream my infinitesimal small slice of consciousness. My IQ is a negative sum. #

@ChicagoBurdman east coast has some great small brews if you know where to look. in reply to ChicagoBurdman #
Trying to get ldap query auth running to a win2k8r2 dc from a php shell on an apache server is making my head hurt a little. #
I wish the logs would tell me something useful. #
Like "you are a tool, stop trying to make this unsupported method work" #
4 more months until the contract on my bb expires. Then bye, blackberry. Most of my coworkers will follow. 115 new iphone/android users. #
My guess is that RIM is well on its way to oblivion. (The dark horrible place full of screaming, not the video game.) #
BES w/ BB has its nice stuff, but in a world of shared usage, RIM missed the fucking boat. The user experience suffers. GREATLY. #
Aw crap, just realized I am out of beer to feed my horrific need to bathe in frothy hops and aromatic spices. #drinkingthebathwater #
Some people may like smelling clean, but I rather smell like a nice winter ale. (Talking to you AXE body spray.) Winter Ale'd EXTREME spray! #
My car smells delicious. Pizza. Pizza. Too bad I ate it 5 days ago. #

I am secretly glad that no one is telepathic. Cool super power, but I doubt anyone would like to know what most people are thinking. #
Just imagine the internal monologue of people on the street. Like that guy walking funny, wondering if anyone knows he has shit himself. #
Of course for those of us that have kids, no telepathy is necessary. The grimace and the stench leave little for my telepathy to discern. #

Its almost christmas, then new years, then my anniversary. Do I take extra time off? NOPE. In fact, I have to work extra! #
Vericose veins and miniskirts together is like my eyes are having a nightmare and can't wake up. Old lady, call What Not To Wear. #