Case File: FRD299S
Suspect Statement: 11-09-2001-001
Suspect: Mr. Miles <redacted>
Case Result: Mental Evaluation
Tell you what?!
Seriously! Brownies are the fucking worst!
I am not talking about those little chocolate fudgy cakes that Americans love so much. You know, the little squares with nuts on top. Real cute. Probably good, if you can get past eating a slab of something that looks like a piece of shit after being ran over by a steamroller. I mean come on, it even has the nuts.
No… I am talking about Brownies. The faerie kind.
Don’t laugh. I am being serious. My house… it has an infestation of them. Well, maybe infestation is a bit harsh. I have a, fuck it, it is an infestation. It could be one, it could be fifty, but either way, one is still too many to have. They get into everything. They cause confusion. They poke and prod and wave, all the while laughing their super high pitched laugh as if nothing is going on.
Oh so innocent. Oh so sweet. Whatever. I know the truth, and if I manage to ever catch one with my bare hands, I am drowning it in the nearest toilet.
Mad? I am not mad! Seriously, you have seen them too. I bet money on it. They, uh, look like branches kind of. Like someone took a tree branch off of a tree, cut some smaller branches off the end and bundled them together. A little faggot.
Literally a little faggot. In every way that can be interpreted.
These little bundles of sticks approximate the shape and size of a little skinny man, with willowy arms, legs, and a bit of a stick bug thrown in for good measure. You can only see them out of the corner of your eye though.
I am not lying! Look, they are clever little bastards. They use the spaces in between our world and the world of faerie. They, uh, shift between here and there. Its a way to interact with us humans, which they think is such fun, and a way to maintain their hold on the silly kingdoms.
My house either had one really crafty one or a whole bunch of collaborators. I tried to talking to them, but they only exist to vex humans, man. I know it sounds crazy, but they are troublemakers. Out of the corner of my eye, I see them dancing on my counters, or on the top of my stairs, or riding my dog like a miniature fucking pony. They wave at me like they are so innocent. I hate them.
They steal things. Little things at first. Making one half an Oreo disappear or stealing one half of a pair of socks. I had a handkerchief go missing, and for the longest time, I thought it was my dog stealing them. I gave my dog a bunch of them out of my drawer, he panted, looking at me stupidly, and just left them where i dropped them. Never touched them. Then it escalated to bigger things, like parts of my fence, or tools out of my toolbox. Sometimes entire things of leftovers would go missing from the fridge, and I assure you, that was not my dog. I have a Shih Tzu. If it could open a fridge, I would be a fucking millionaire.
I tried everything. I tried pleading. I tried praying. I tried leaving bribes out. I tried anything that I could think of.
That is why I did what I did. They made me do it, man… they took my dog.
Fucking Brownies, man.
I am done. Whatever. I am done.
Suspect accused of Arson, multiple properties with intent, first degree. Released to State Psychiatric panel for review. Suspect died while in custody in County Jail. Acorns were found stuffed into Suspect’s mouth. Origin unknown.
Coroner Ruling: Suicide.