Case File: FRD299S<\/p>\n
Suspect Statement: 11-09-2001-001
\nSuspect: Mr. Miles <redacted>
\nCharge: <redacted>
\nCase Result: Mental Evaluation<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Tell you what?!<\/p>\n
Seriously! Brownies are the fucking worst!<\/p>\n
I am not talking about those little chocolate fudgy cakes that Americans love so much. You know, the little squares with nuts on top.\u00a0 Real cute.\u00a0 Probably good, if you can get past eating a slab of something that looks like a piece of shit after being ran over by a steamroller. I mean come on, it even has the nuts.<\/p>\n
No… I am talking about Brownies.\u00a0 The faerie kind.<\/p>\n
Don’t laugh.\u00a0 I am being serious.\u00a0 My house… it has an infestation of them.\u00a0 Well, maybe infestation is a bit harsh.\u00a0 I have a, fuck it, it is an infestation.\u00a0 It could be one, it could be fifty, but either way, one is still too many to have.\u00a0 They get into everything.\u00a0 They cause confusion.\u00a0 They poke and prod and wave, all the while laughing their super high pitched laugh as if nothing is going on.<\/p>\n
Oh so innocent.\u00a0 Oh so sweet.\u00a0 Whatever.\u00a0 I know the truth, and if I manage to ever catch one with my bare hands, I am drowning it in the nearest toilet.<\/p>\n
Mad?\u00a0 I am not mad!\u00a0 Seriously, you have seen them too.\u00a0 I bet money on it.\u00a0 They, uh, look like branches kind of.\u00a0 Like someone took a tree branch off of a tree, cut some smaller branches off the end and bundled them together.\u00a0 A little faggot.<\/p>\n
Literally a little faggot. In every way that can be interpreted.<\/p>\n
These little bundles of sticks approximate the shape and size of a little skinny man, with willowy arms, legs, and a bit of a stick bug thrown in for good measure.\u00a0 You can only see them out of the corner of your eye though.<\/p>\n
I am not lying!\u00a0 Look, they are clever little bastards.\u00a0 They use the spaces in between our world and the world of faerie. They, uh, shift between here and there.\u00a0 Its a way to interact with us humans, which they think is such fun, and a way to maintain their hold on the silly kingdoms.<\/p>\n
My house either had one really crafty one or a whole bunch of collaborators.\u00a0 I tried to talking to them, but they only exist to vex humans, man.\u00a0 I know it sounds crazy, but they are troublemakers.\u00a0 Out of the corner of my eye, I see them dancing on my counters, or on the top of my stairs, or riding my dog like a miniature fucking pony.\u00a0 They wave at me like they are so innocent.\u00a0 I hate them.<\/p>\n
They steal things.\u00a0 Little things at first.\u00a0 Making one half an Oreo disappear or stealing one half of a pair of socks.\u00a0 I had a handkerchief go missing, and for the longest time, I thought it was my dog stealing them.\u00a0 I gave my dog a bunch of them out of my drawer, he panted, looking at me stupidly, and just left them where i dropped them.\u00a0 Never touched them. Then it escalated to bigger things, like parts of my fence, or tools out of my toolbox.\u00a0 Sometimes entire things of leftovers would go missing from the fridge, and I assure you, that was not my dog.\u00a0 I have a Shih Tzu.\u00a0 If it could open a fridge, I would be a fucking millionaire.<\/p>\n
I tried everything.\u00a0 I tried pleading.\u00a0 I tried praying. I tried leaving bribes out.\u00a0 I tried anything that I could think of.<\/p>\n
So yeah…<\/p>\n
That is why I did what I did.\u00a0 They made me do it, man… they took my dog.<\/p>\n
Fucking Brownies, man.<\/p>\n
Shit.<\/p>\n
I am done.\u00a0 Whatever.\u00a0 I am done.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Suspect accused of Arson, multiple properties with intent, first degree.\u00a0 Released to State Psychiatric panel for review.\u00a0 Suspect died while in custody in County Jail.\u00a0 Acorns were found stuffed into Suspect’s mouth.\u00a0 Origin unknown.<\/p>\n
Coroner Ruling: Suicide.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Case File: FRD299S Suspect Statement: 11-09-2001-001 Suspect: Mr. Miles <redacted> Charge: <redacted> Case Result: Mental Evaluation … Tell you what?! Seriously! Brownies are the fucking worst! I am not talking about those little chocolate fudgy …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"webmentions_disabled_pings":false,"webmentions_disabled":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-story","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=316"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":318,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316\/revisions\/318"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discardme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}