“Jonny, you ass, I told you to stop at the Loaf and Jug on the way home, and get me my Lights! What am I supposed to do now?”
I pushed the screen door open from our piece of shit trailer, and let it slam behind me, yelling over my shoulder. “Oh I don’t know, Mom, how about walking up there yourself?”
“What you say?” She feigned a hearing problem. This is what she did, always manipulating the hell out of me.
“I said that maybe you SHOULD GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO IT YOURSELF.” I yelled back at the trailer. Fuck this. I flipped a lone solitary bird over my shoulder and walked away. I heard her yell something, but I didn’t bother listening.
Right back atchya.
I headed to the Meet. That was the nickname for a portion of a small creek that bent its way this way and that through our shit county, and had a small deep area the local kids hand commandeered as a private swimming pool for the baking Oklahoma summers. The Meet was where we smoked, acted older than we really were, and occasionally drank ourselves stupid with 3.2 beer. I had a small band of friends, all resident fuckups of the Rez, and had been across the bench with more than a few times. We were real winners. In other words, total fuckups. The only girl was Sesame, but she was probably tougher than all of us boys, she didn’t put up with shit. Jack was my best friend and had a thing for thrash metal, long hair down his back, a leather jacket hanging nearby to at least show how metal he was. Benny was a fucking retard, but we didn’t tell him that, and he went along with it. Hanks was the asshole of the group, but he was great to have around in case some older kids or adults came around to fuck with us. He was built like a tank, he knew it, and loved rubbing our faces in it. Except for Sesame, who didn’t put up with it. I swear to god, one time, she yelled at Hanks for being a rude fuck and hit him so hard, he lost a eye tooth. Yeah… no one has fucked with Ses since that.
We put up with Hanks, Ses is a walking legend, Benny has a heart of gold, and Jack was the smart one I guess. I brought nothing but a mouth and mountain of problems on my shoulders. I guess that would make me the funny one, but then again, maybe I was the pity case and I just didn’t know it. You can’t be too introspective about these sort of things, because more times than not, you are wrong. People are complex machines, sometimes they don’t understand how they tick. I was so twisted up inside, I barely had the ability to cry in front of others. Wait a minute. Was I the retard?
Great. Now that makes Benny the misunderstood one with a heart of gold. Grand.
Everyone was at the Meet already, and by the time my mind caught up with my legs, I was already catching bits of laughter and conversation that I wasn’t paying attention to. I spread my arms wide as I dropped into the gully and yelled, “Your Chief has arrived.”
“Chief what? Dumbass?” Yelled Ses from the water.
“Uh, yeah, Chief Dumbass?” Hanks laughed with a slight sneer. My theory is he had a thing for Ses, but didn’t tell her or anyone else, and just hoped she would come around on her own. Probably was afraid of her too. That could be a bit of it.
“Oh, real original Hanks. Your shirt must be too tight, it is cutting off the air to your brain.” I shot back.
Benny smiled, then frowned, then smiled, and settled for not saying anything. He hugged me as I got the tree and sat back down to look into the water.
“Heya Benny. Don’t stare too long, the catfish don’t like it.” I smiled down at him. “Where’s Jack?”
“Jack is over there taking a piss.” Ses called. She pointed at the other bank with a grin. “But he has been over there so long, he is either rubbing one out at the sight of me swimming, or taking the largest shit of his life.”
“Oh fuck off, Ses! I am pissing… Leisurely!” Jack yelled from the bushes.
We all laughed. I took off my shirt, shoes, and my walkman and jumped into the water with my cutoffs still on. Ses was splashing about in the deep area, but I just wanted to cool off. Oklahoma was hot, dusty, and hot. Not necessarily in that order.
“Come on Benny, jump in. You are sweating staring at the water.” I yelled.
Benny shook his head and mumbled something. I swam over to the bank next to his little lookout and looked up at him.
“What’s wrong, Benny?” I said more quietly.
“The water, Jonny. Its talking today.” He smiled slowly. “I am having a hard time hearing it, but I am getting bits and pieces.”
“Oh yeah? Whats it saying today Benny?” Benny was special, but I don’t think he was dumb. His thoughts just moved in different directions.
“Saying something about your Grandfather.” Benny said.
“My grandpas have been dead for a long time, Benny. My mom’s dad died before I was born, and my dad’s dad passed when we were in first grade. Remember? We all went to the funeral.”
“No, not your grandpas. Your Grandfather. The water won’t say much else. Just says he is on the Butte waiting for you. …Find the wolf. Yeah, definitely, find the wolf.”
“That sounds pretty crazy, Benny.” I laughed nervously. “You feeling ok?”
“Just what I am hearing, Jonny. Tumbling Raven to the water, following the old one. Grandfather. Yours.” He pointed at me. “You need to leave.”
“Leave? Benny, I just got here. Was going to swim with you and Jack and Ses and even Hanks for awhile. I have a tenner, thought I would buy us a bag of burgers later. Come on in Benny. You are sweating yourself silly.”
Benny’s eyes went wide. “Oh, no Jonny. You have to leave today. Now would be better.”
“Why Benny? Why today?”
“Because Ses and Jack are going to drown and Hanks is going to blame you. No one is going to believe you.”
“What?!” I turned around, and realized that I hadn’t heard Ses or Jack or Hanks. I called, “Ses?”
“SES! JACK!” I shouted. I looked all over the bend, but I didn’t see them. Hanks was climbing back down the hill from the edge with a water case in hand. His face looked troubled.
“Have you seen Jack or Ses?” I yelled.
“No. I was at the truck grabbing my jug. Why?”
“SES! JACK!” I yelled as I swam out to the deep part and took a deep breath. I ducked under and kicked down as hard as I could. The water here was only 10 to 12 feet deep, but the water was full of silt and impossible to see through. I pushed my self down, blindly grabbing around, hoping to snag something that resembled an arm or a leg or something. I kicked my way back up and took a deep breath. Hanks was still standing at the edge looking at me with something weird on his face. I couldn’t look any closer, so I took a deep breath and kicked back down. My fingers brushed something to my right. I kicked over and felt an arm. A hand. I grabbed it and pulled up hard. Something was pulling on it from the other side… I couldn’t see or feel what it was. I found the bottom with my feet and pushed up as hard as I could, grasping the hand with both of mine. As I cleared the water, I pulled the person up to my chest and saw it was Jack. His long hair was plastered all over his face and chest.
I dragged him to the bank as quickly as I could.
“Hanks you GODDAMN IDIOT, help me! Now!” I yelled.
He finally started moving and grabbed Jack, pulling him from the water like a canoe. For once I was glad he had all those ridiculous muscles. I pulled myself out and pushed down hard on Jack’s chest. I pushed as hard as I could and water spouted out from his mouth. I bent over, cupped his chin and his pinched his nose and exhaled everything I had. He coughed, vomited out water all over the bank, and started breathing. His eyes fluttered and he kept retching, but at least he was breathing.
“Oh thank god. Hanks, come on, we have to find Ses.” I said. “Benny, watch him.”
Hanks just stood there, gaping like an idiot.
“WHAT THE FUCK, HANKS, COME ON!” I yelled.
“I don’t know how to swim, Jonny.” He said quietly.
“WHAT!? You have been swimming for years.” Then it dawned on me that I had never actually seen him in the deep water. “Fuck.”
I swam back out to the deep, and dove again. And again. And again. And again. I would move over every dive, hoping against hope. I was running out of time. I had ran out of time. I dove again. Then something grabbed me. I almost screamed under the water. It wasn’t a hand, or a claw, or anything like that. It was the water. It was an undertow. A heavy hand, like gravity, but sucking, pulling, and keeping me from the air above. I panicked for a second, then stopped fighting it. I was pushed along for a few seconds. I waited until I found a pause, but the water was vicious. My lungs were burning, my vision behind my eyelids was full of creeping red. I finally found a small chance and pushed up as hard as I could. I broke the surface and took a huge ragged breath, only to get half of it in water and being drug down again. Then I knew. Right there.
This is how Ses just died. Jack must have got caught on something. A branch or rock or something stuck in the silt. But I was in it. It had me.
I pushed myself hard. Started swimming with it as best I could, angling for the surface. I broke the surface again, and was able to take a breath. And I saw her. Face down. At the bank.
I felt the current let go and I literally crawled my way over to her. I felt almost dead… my breaths were ripping harsh breaths, stinging my lungs, while my eyes felt raw from the silt. I was feeling broken and helpless, my heart was flayed and laid bare. We were past the bend. No wonder I hadn’t heard her. I pulled myself up to the rocks and dragged her floating body over to me. I flipped her over slowly. She was gone, and no amount of CPR was going to do anything at this point.
But I tried anyway. I pulled her onto the rocks, half way submerged up her shoulders as she laid there. I pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, and blew, and pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, and blew again. I think I screamed. I think I screamed a lot. It kind of blurred together. I lost track. The screaming, the crying, the horrible sensation of rage at the cruelty of everything. I pushed down hard on the third set, and felt some ribs crack in her lifeless body.
She was blue. And white.
I felt a shadow from the top of the high bank fall down on me. I turned and saw Hanks looking down. His eyes said everything, and Benny had already told me. But he said it anyway.
“You… murderer.”
“I tried to save her, Hanks.”
“Bullshit. You pushed her under. Didn’t you? Jack probably saw. You pushed him under too. Then you change your mind when I catch you going over the story with Benny. Think your secret is safe with that retard? Just wait. You fucked up when you saved Jack. I am going to get the Deputy. Don’t you dare fucking move.”
“That is insane, Hanks. Why would I kill my best friends? Benny and I were talking, Jack and Ses got pulled under!”
“Yeah right. You told Benny about the drowning, he was agreeing with you. You saw me and dove under. You pull Jack up, you go back out, you dive under and don’t come back. Then I hear screaming, I come over here to find you hovering over Ses’s dead body. You sick fuck. I am going for the Deputy.” His face disappeared.
I looked down at Ses and pushed her raven hair out of her eyes. They were closed, thank god. I touched her cheek and started crying again.
A few minutes later, another shadow came over the edge. It was Benny.
“Benny, oh thank god. We have to lift her out. I don’t think I can swim back with her body.”
“Jack told me to find you. I found you.” Benny smiled.
“Benny, did you hear me? We have to lift her out of here.”
“Water told me not to, Jonny. Water said she was safe. Water told me to tell you to run. Run right now. So I brought your stuff.” Benny said. He tossed my shoes and shirt and my walkman into the water next to me. The walkman shattered when it hit the rocks, and my shirt and shoes immediately were soaked.
“God dammit Benny! Listen. The water did not say anything to you. The water can’t talk! Ses is just laying here. Come on Benny!” I yelled.
His eyes started to water and he sniveled. He turned away, and I heard him sob. “Run, Jonny. Run.”
So I kissed Ses on the cheek as gently as I could and pushed myself back into the water. I floated downstream for an hour, then crawled up the other side.
And I ran.