Category: Writing

Verse

The Shape of Me

I see other versions of myself
Late at night when the dark pushes its way
Into the edges of the room, forcing their retreat
The focal length of my room changes
As the corners stretch to an impossible distance
Are these the boundaries of my consciousness
The moments, the potentialities, overlap and
Inevitable conflict arises from deep within
These other versions of me expand the space
Filling the volume with their gaseous forms
Taking over my breath and my own heartbeat
They are from other world threads that are no more
Sacrificed through choice, laid waste by action
These other parts of me are long gone
But tantalizingly close, as if it only would take
a new choice. Something else.

I remember the me in high school
An idiot by every measure, there is no shortage
Of those measures, long and short, near and far
I failed in everything in some way, but no one
Would tell me or I failed at the listening
I feel like iconic defining moments may have
Been wasted away, like a tree without sun
It is there, but it provides shade to nothing
Except its withered core, hidden deep within
My heart was never open, my empathy never came
I was a shell of the person I could have been
And I have had to fake it ever since
Do people realize that I am a robot?
Does it ever occur to them that it is a ruse?
A lie to push others away and hide my pilot
a terribly frightened child. Cowering.

The me that should have been could still be
But to push at those boundaries of concrete
Require strength I cannot muster or request
The person that is eager to form cannot
Because of the shell that now contains it
We all are constrained by the choices we make
Acted upon by forces that may be labeled
Sometimes not. They are insidiously invisible
Hunting in the dark, in the light
Through systems or culture, assumptive asinine
Dangerous creatures of wilds explored
Those other versions of myself are victims
Themselves, brutalized by necessity
Or mismanaged by circumstance to an unequal end
That now cannot be counted or measured to
a standard unfair. Unchosen.

Those other versions weep in the dark
Huddled and scared, feeling for the hope that
Should exist and be prevalent in all things
Is this the limits of my person? This?
What I am will never be more than a crude
Imitation of a human adult, misshapen and folded
Upon itself, a unknown galaxy of time
Shuddering in its own dark blanket as
Whisps of the eddies of the distant stars
Buffer each other in the long empty above
Pulled into the dark above my bed
Pushing at the corners of my room, expansive
Such moments are exquisite of themselves
A time to marvel at the majesty of everything
That could be, that should be, that layers
a finite possibility. To change.

To change the shape of me.

Short Story

To Seek Sacred Law

Roy tipped his green trucker hat back on his head and spit into the dirt with a long practiced nonchalance of a tobacco chewer. His wife had made him give up the habit all those years ago, but he still felt the urge to have a wad in his lip and to express saliva into the dirt as he worked it. He leaned out of the cabin of his tractor, and as the engine whine finally died out to eerie silence, he was able to address the young girl standing in the middle of his wheat field.

“My god, young lady. What are you doing out here?”

The girl must have been nudging the edge of puberty, as she was tall enough to be at least eleven or twelve, but her soft features belied a younger age altogether. She was facing partly away from Roy and the immense harvester with its swirling blades of silver, and for all Roy could tell, she did not care in the least. She deigned to shift her gaze to Roy’s sun baked face, and a brief moment of eye contact sent a shiver down his spine. Her eyes were as silver as the harvester blades.

“Young lady? This is my field. Shouldn’t you be in school?” Roy asked again, stepping down the small ladder from the cab, wishing again he has a dip. It was too early to be dealing with a young girl standing in the middle of his wheat field.

The girl did not look back again, she only looked up. Roy followed her gaze into the blue bird sky of the morning, but there was nothing above, not even a wisp of cloud. She was dressed simply, a white dress shirt tucked into a simple uniform skirt of gray. She was oddly barefoot, and did not have a backpack or lunch box or anything of the sort that would indicate that a school was noting her absence.

“Uh huh.” Roy kept his distance, walking around the edge of the blade enclosure, and stood on his heels, nervously glancing back towards the spot in the sky that did not exist and then again back to the girl.

“I am waiting for my brother.”

Her voice was crystal clear, as if fashioned from the resounding ring of the town bell. There was no innocence in her voice, no child like wonder or insecurity. None of the hallmarks of a child that would give Roy comfort in finding a kid in the middle of hectares of wheat, miles away from the nearest road.

“You brother, huh?” Roy tried. He started feeling his pockets for his smartphone.

“Yes. Are you simple?” Her gaze did not drop from the point in the sky.

“Simple?”

“Yes. A way to describe someone of low intelligence in a kind way.”

Roy stopped fiddling, remembering that he left his phone in the cradle back up in the cab. “I don’t consider myself a slow one. You shouldn’t talk to your elders like that.”

“There are no Elders here,” the young girl sighed. “I am older than all of you and I grow weary of it.”

Roy’s eyebrows scrunched up in confusion, but knowing what his wife would say, he let it go.

“Can I get you back to the road? I can call my wife,” Roy tried.

“No. I must stand here. Exactly here.” The girl pointed at her bare feet, but again, did not move the rest of her body at all. “I do not care what you do, as long as you do not interfere with my welcome.”

“Ok,” Roy sighed. He stepped back up to the wide side of the tractor, pulling himself up to the cab with the same grunts and heaving sighs he expressed on each trip up the short ladder. He settled back into his worn leather seat, and it bobbed up and down as the air system compensated for the sudden addition of his weight. He wiped at the window with one sleeve of his flannel so he could keep an eye on the young lady while he dialed his wife.

“Roy?” His wife sounded worried. “You don’t call unless something is wrong… Is the tractor down?”

“Oh no, nothing like that love. Mary…” Roy took a deep breath thinking on what to say. “There is a girl in the south field. Just standing here.”

Mary’s voice shifted to curiosity. “A girl?”

“Yeah. She looks like she is about the age of grade schooler or something, but strange. No shoes.”

“Well I would hardly say that no shoes is rare,” Mary tittered.

“Maybe for a summer run or lounging at the lakes, but it is October, Mary. It ain’t exactly summer weather for a young lady in nothing but a school uniform standing in the middle of a wheat field, going around barefoot. This ain’t right.”

“Alright, let me hop in the truck. I will head over.” Mary paused. “Wait. Do you see that?”

“See what?” Roy glanced away from the odd girl and looked over his fields.

“Uh, let’s see, east. In the sky. Is that a meteor?”

Roy leaned forward and looked at the very spot the girl had been looking. A fireball was streaking downwards, leaving a thin trail in the sky behind it.

“I don’t know, Mary. Stay put. I will call you back. Love you.”

“Love you, too. Be careful, Bear.”

Roy put the phone in his overall pocket and stepped back down the tractor. He carefully walked around the edge of the blade enclosure, and looked up at the sky. The object was too far away to hear, but the sense of it grew as it hurtled through the atmosphere.

“What is that?” Roy called to the girl.

“A chariot. Apollo arrives.” The young girl shifted in place, her limbs lengthening and her body growing as she stood a full body length above Roy. “And I am here to welcome him back to my Earth.”

“His sister?” Roy felt extremely confused. Not by the sudden metamorphosis of the young girl to an Amazonian goddess, but by the fact the girl insisted it was her brother arriving by flaming chariot.

“I am Athene. Apollo is my brother, simple man.”

Suddenly, from the east, a fantastic roar could be heard and felt. The ground trembled as if it was about to be taken by a hunter, and the air itself vibrated visibly. The windows on the tractor all shattered, and Roy clamped his hands to the side of his head. There was no explosion. There was no great rending of the earth. One moment, Athena stood alone with Roy in a wheat field in the middle of the eastern plains of Colorado, and the next the two of them were joined by a man that appeared to be made of gold, his skin flickering from the fires of his descent. No chariot or horses were with him, but Roy had felt a moment of seeing great flaming beasts stamping about before the vision was lost as his reality reformed back to what he was expecting.

And Roy was thankful none of the wheat had caught from the sparks.

“My sister, goddess most tempestuous, wise and beautiful,” the golden man spoke aloud as if it was a formal greeting that was an old exchange between the two of them. “I take great joy in seeing you.”

“My brother, god most beloved, intelligent and protective,” Athena bowed her chin slightly, not lowering her silver eyes from the face of her brother. “Welcome to Terra Firma, may it take joy in your return from absence.”

The golden man stopped flickering and started to shift as Athena had, and in a moments, a handsome teenager stood in his place. He was no taller than Roy, but the muscle and tone of the body that shifted under the classical white robes made Roy feel uncomfortable. Roy felt as if he was watching sexuality in its purest form. He had not noticed, but the tall Amazonian had returned to her previous girl-like shape and size.

“Whatever are you wearing, dear sister?” Apollo’s eyes flicked over to Roy, and it was if Roy had erupted from the earth to surprise the god. “And who is this strange man?”

Athena sighed as if annoyed by the merest mention of Roy. “This is the local farmer of these fields, Roy O’Bannon. He claims he is not a simple man, but I am left to wonder. And this, my dear brother, is considered modern clothing. You will need to change.”

Apollo suddenly stood in a flannel and overalls, but still barefoot, and still very radiant. Roy noticed they were an exact copy of his own work clothes. Apollo had not replicated Roy’s favorite hat, choosing to leave the luxurious brown curls in place.

Athena made a face. “By Father’s beard, not that. But it will have to do. Much has changed here since you left. The people believe themselves to be… advanced.”

“As if they ever could. And much has changed since you were exiled dear sister,” Apollo frowned slightly as if the next thing already left a bad taste in his mouth. “Father…”

Roy stood there, preferring to be ignored. He wanted to call Mary, but he knew it would be a bad idea to attract attention. Even in the presence of seemingly benevolent gods, he felt like a caged rabbit within eyesight of a pair of hawks.

Athena made a face that matched Apollo’s. “What of Father?”

“He suffered wounds… wounds that he did not tell us of.”

“Wounds? From the Titanomakhia? Impossible… it was eons ago!” Athena put a finger to her chin. “He could have made and unmade his form countless times since then. Countless times.”

“Father was wounded in a way that we cannot understand. His very spirit was seemingly cut deeply in the battle. He pursued healing every way he could, but his very psyche was brutalized by it. No amount of love, sex, or fury could bring him the healing he so desperately craved. Eons of secret suffering, my dear sister.”

Athena’s eyes went wide. “I have learned something new.”

“As we all,” Apollo sighed releasing his tension finally. “Our Father is dead.”

“Lie,” Athena whispered, her eyes narrowing. “The Ageless cannot die. They can only fade and lack that which gives life. But that is not death, it is merely haunting. They do not cross the river, and they do not wallow within the deepest limits of creation.”

“We do not understand. But death has come to Olympus,” Apollo laid a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “And worse, Tartarus is unstable. We suspect the great chains will fail. The fire of which they are crafted started to wane upon his death.”

Athena’s silver eyes welled with tears, but none fell down her cheeks. “Then why have you come to me? This is surely the end to all things, then.”

Apollo looked nervous, seeming to shrink into the flannel that he wore. “Father left me a message to give to you.”

Athena’s eyes grew hard, and her size swelled again as if preparing for battle. “No. I will not hear it. He abandoned me. He abandoned all of us! Do you not see the truth of this, dear brother? Even you, on the Mountain, all of you that retreated from the waters… earth and it’s children were abandoned. Our creations and works forgotten! The greatest work was sullied by the stains of Father’s ‘wisdom’! He knew not! He knew nothing!”

“You must hear it, my sister. You must, Athene Pallas, most fierce.” Apollo stood taller, his skin was aglow in the morning light. “They are the last words of your Father, and they erupted from his lips as you erupted from his thoughts.”

Roy realized they were not speaking English. He did not know how he knew, nor did he know how he understood anything they were saying. But he stood, a witness to an event that he would never be able to share. He knew that even his wife would think him mad.

Apollo laid both of his hands on Athena’s shoulders. “He said to me: She who came from my thumos, my making, my very ideals… my golden son, find Athene. Tell her this, she will be the one to heal the wound that I never was able. Tell her that she must find Demeter.”

Athena laughed cruelly, shrugging her brother’s hands from her shoulders as she shrank again. “Demeter hid herself before the Fall of Athens. Do you know how impossible it is to find an Elder? Have you ever tried!?”

Apollo looked uncomfortable. “Little sister, you and I have had our differences in the past. I know that we have not been able to share each other’s viewpoints in things that we cared for. Such matters… I know that Artemis was between us in many things. But hear me now, you are not alone in this.”

“You will come with me?” Athena sniffed.

“I will endeavor with you on this quest. We shall find our Aunt.” Apollo rolled his eyes, “One way or the other.”

Athena laughed shallowly at what must have been an inside joke. Roy was very confused at all this, so he said so.

“I am very confused.”

Apollo turned, his skin shifting to gold again, his brown curls starting to flicker as if made of sunlight.

“Roy O’Bannon, you are confused on nothing. You are filled with peace and joy. You are a master of these fields, and your crops will have my blessings for seven by seven seasons for you and your children. You will forget this encounter, and think never of it again. Go now, to your wife, who worries upon the hill, and show her your love.” Apollo grinned like the two of them shared a dirty joke. He added, “Many times. May you and your love be extremely satisfied in such things!”

Roy’s eyes glazed over and he shook his head briefly. “Yes, I should walk back to the house since the tractor seems to be down again. I will have to come check it later, won’t I?”

Athena nodded. “You will, simple man. And you are not… simple. I forgive you.”

Roy started walking through the wheat, his hands brushing their golden tops and he felt the heavy need to kiss his wife like he had when they were teenagers. He grinned and started to jog instead, feeling as if he could run around the world and understand everything he would ever care to.

Roy O’Bannon ran like the wind to his beautiful wife. His kids would not be home for many hours yet, and he thought he could persuade Mary to set aside her chores. Laughter erupted from his chest and he felt truly alive for the first time in years.

The field behind him stood empty, only a lonely tractor sitting among the rows of wheat awaiting harvest.

Verse

The Struggle

As of late, I am struggling with hope
As I think we all are, our persona
Is under strain, powerful conflict
Raging between what is right
Not left, not left, but what is easy
Rage expounds, it impounds, develops
It’s own cells of water boarded isolation
And we stand, amok, impotent and wondering
What things can be done, proposed
Without the amygdalial response, pulsing
The fervent push of defensive anger
What can be done when no one seems
To listen?

As of late, I am struggling with hope
As I know we all are, our people
Cowing to the lowest, accepting trash
Eugenics are frowned upon, racism is
Undeniable sin, we are capable of rational
Thought, wrapping us, binding us up
I posit that souls from heaven lined
We do not decide our birthright or family
But society should value the new souls
See the gold, from the silver, from bronze
Outside of circumstance, skin, economics
I ask the impossible, demand it wholly
With reverence?

As of late, I am struggling with hope
As I see that you are, yourself
Looking for purpose among services
Seeking value among things without such
Measure, and you look upwards, hoping
A plan exists, and all is inevitable
But we were not allowed this existence
With the shallow plan of death on earth
Such cowardice! Such idiocy! Such
Unbelief, in what the possibility is
Don’t you see it now? The incredible
Do not be incredulous, do not
Doubt us?

As of late, we should not struggle hope
Downwards into the dirt where we wallow
She is beautiful, timeless, and whole
No matter what evils we may attempt to
Assign or attribute, we do not gain
In the assignation of poor labels
She is a brilliant glorious goddess
And our duty is to look to her light
It is said, Hope Springs Eternal
But I argue that Hope springs within
From all of us, it is humanity
Our nature to strive, overcome
No question.

Verse

A Forest Clearing in the Tetons

Dappled light through the dark egresses
Shafts of brilliance falling immeasurably
A disservice to measure such a thing
By divisive terms not accurate enough
To explain the possibilities contained within
The dark folds of evergreens and undergrowth
Expansive for the soul, such nature unbinds
The heart, the being, and the mind
Freeing the spirit within to witness God
Fingers of creation reaching for the sky
Crag covered majesty stretching ever
Folds of ancient hardened earth demanding
For us minute creatures to witness it
To take upon its view and be humbled
For such majesty has a cost eternal
And we pay willingly, without reservation.

This place is not our own, it is borrowed
Earth surrounds us and we declared ourselves
Masters and owners and drivers and destructors
But no thing such as that can be owned by man
Our ancestors knew, they intuitively understood
That holy places do not fall under deeds
Nor are they contained in writ or word of law
Except to except them from such things
No treasure this great can be owned by man
Tetons laugh in their ancient grinding tongue
As their arms spread wide to the universe
Wheeling above them in matching grand majesty
We pave roads, we build lodges, we find paths
But all of it is temporary, an itch, a fever
That the earth must endure, but will surpass
We are nothing but witnesses to their glory.

The lift is heavier for my children
Than it should have been for my myself
Than it could have been for my parents
I saw an article from 1900 saying coal
Could end this civilization, and even then
What? Apathy? Dismissal and scoffs?
Men in walnut paneled rooms not caring
For a future they would never see
For an impossible possibility ignored
They carried on, pushed further
For human progress was the greater goal
Could they know that there is no other
There is not another step, there is
Nothing beyond the edges, around corners
This is all there will ever be
And the mountains shall not mourn our passing.

Now, forests burn uncontrolled world-round
The darkness is encroaching on us now
Pushing further on, embittering us to a future
That no one wants but few stand against
Deniers and apotheosis of ignorance
Elevating opinion to beyond science
They revel in their misinformation
Finding destruction preferred to acceptance
Resolute in their mud prisons of idiocy
They wallow in their filth of usage
Discarding trash unrecoverable, surmountable
Eating acres of flesh in their desire
For comfort and fulfillment within, bottomless
They are depths of pits without end
And we all carry the cross which we will hang
How will this not lead to the end?

Such questions are fraught with uncertainty
Such concerns are shot through with fear
But what are we, not improbable creatures
To pull ourselves from the soup
From the impossible aims of dumb evolution
From the mired counter of human driven
Pressures of hate and tribalism, unbound
Yet we gather, we sing, we alight
To a shared human experience, inescapable
We are the same at our cores, in our hearts
We love, we care, we share along our tables
We must surpass our tribes and banners
We shall cast our flags to the fires
We must forget our mirrors and remove
Our own that create such prejudice and division
We must incrementally craft hope within.

We must find ourselves again, hidden now
Our natures are here, among us all, our hands
Need to feel the earth again, we must touch
Like an eager lover, full of anticipation
The turn of the dark soil under our blackened
Fingernails, and we must fill our neighbor’s
Bowls, ensuring they can eat with us
That we can serve them our labors and loves
And they can care for us when we struggle
We must find the sparks of hope within
Pull them from the husk covered shells
Breathe upon them shallowly, give them breath
And speak to them of love, unbound
Agape of the soil, of our neighbor, ourselves
We isolate the sparks, blowing into fires
And bring our hope brilliantly into the future.

Will the mountain care for such things?
Will it speak of us in its ancient language
As the planet continues onwards its journey
Interminable, hurtling billions of miles forward
But our children and their children can
See all of this, and marvel upon the glories
That we managed not to destroy and remove
They can stand upon this clearing
They will take this sight and internalize it
Weeping at the glory discovered
The sight now fulfilled and brought home
To share with their hope filled friends
Their loves and their passions
Apart of this earth, hands feeling warmth
Of stone and soil, sun and stars
All of them, made ours, true progress found.